|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 3, Issue 4 -- 02.15.2010|
Obama declares War on WeatherBy Norman Kopler
“These snowstorms paralyzed
The president notes that the recent blizzards are part of a growing weather insurgency responsible for home-wrecking mudslides in
“Obviously, this president has no idea how to handle snow,” scoffed Palin. “Up in
After glancing at some words scrawled on her hand, the onetime vice presidential nominee added: “And all us reality-based folks hope this finally ends all that nutty talk about global warming.”
Obama’s chief of staff Rahm Emanuel called Palin’s comments “retar...uh...mentally challenged,” but a White House insider reveals Emanuel also questioned Obama’s judgment.
“Rahm told the president that no one can control the weather, especially someone with falling poll numbers,” the insider tells the Cosmic Chronicle. “But Obama remained undaunted.
“He said, ‘The weather is tied into the economy, jobs, health care and college basketball, and I won’t bury my head in the snow just because someone says that controlling the weather is impossible.’”
Beltway sources believe that Obama’s short list for weather czar includes former vice president and climate expert Al Gore, Today show weatherman Al Roker, Cherokee medicine man Henry “Rain Dance” Buffalochips and Kabbalah Centre founder Rav Berg, whose followers believe has hurricane deflecting powers.
“My money’s on Rav Berg,” says one knowledgeable source.
“But if Rav Berg can change the path of hurricanes, he not only will be able to protect our country but potentially send killer storms to places like
Proclaims Obama: “You can’t have too many czars in a democracy!”
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Starlet’s shocking claim:
‘The Wolfman gave me worms’By Kay Daver
“It was a real nightmare,” says busty blonde Betsy Hyman, who had a bit part in The Wolfman. “First they cut out my only scene and then these creepy, crawly things start showing up in my toilet.”
Hyman, 23, says she met the famed monster on the British set of the blockbuster and quickly fell under his spell.
“It was a full moon, so that was kind of romantic to begin with,” she recalls. “And Wolfie was howl. He started licking my face and one thing just led to another.”
“He told me he’d see me in four weeks, at the next full moon, but didn’t show,” gripes Hyman. “I heard through the grapevine he had a hot date with an Afghan hound, the bitch!”
But Wolfman left Hyman with more than a broken heart, and when she discovered the disturbing results of her romp with the worm-infested cad, she went straight to her doctor.
“He referred me to a veterinarian,” she moans. “Talk about embarrassing. I even had to bring in a stool sample.”
Fortunately, the condition cleared up quickly after she started taking medication, but Hyman says she’s been left emotionally scarred and is seeking $157.50 in veterinary costs plus $5 million for pain and suffering..
“I’m, like, totally turned off by males of all species,” she says. “And it’ll be a long time before I can even think about doing it doggy-style again!”
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