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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 3, Issue 4 -- 02.15.2010
Presidential snowjob
Obama declares War on Weather
By Norman Kopler
Meteorological correspondent

, D.C.
– After a series of mammoth winter storms buried the nation’s capital and several blue states under a paralyzing blanket of snow, President Obama declared a war on bad weather and called for a weather czar!
Obama snowblowing
Obama working to solve the snow crisis 

    “These snowstorms paralyzed Washington far beyond the usual paralysis caused by Republican partisanship and Democratic ineptitude,” said the commander- in-chief. “It’s time for change in the weather that we can believe in.”

    The president notes that the recent blizzards are part of a growing weather insurgency responsible for home-wrecking mudslides in California, crop destroying freezes in Florida and icy barbs from former Alaska governor Sarah Palin.

    “Obviously, this president has no idea how to handle snow,” scoffed Palin. “Up in Alaska, we know ya can’t just bail it out, like he tries to do with
Sarah palin
Former Gov. Sarah Palin
everything else.”
    After glancing at some words scrawled on her hand, the onetime vice presidential nominee added: “And all us reality-based folks hope this finally ends all that nutty talk about global warming.”

    Obama’s chief of staff Rahm Emanuel called Palin’s comments “retar...uh...mentally challenged,” but a White House insider reveals Emanuel also questioned Obama’s judgment.

    “Rahm told the president that no one can control the weather, especially someone with falling poll numbers,” the insider tells the Cosmic Chronicle.  “But Obama remained undaunted.

    “He said, ‘The weather is tied into the economy, jobs, health care and college basketball, and I won’t bury my head in the snow just because someone says that controlling the weather is impossible.’”
al roker
Al Roker
Al Gore
Al Gore

Beltway sources believe that Obama’s short list for weather czar includes former vice president and climate expert Al Gore, Today show weatherman Al Roker, Cherokee medicine man Henry “Rain Dance” Buffalochips and Kabbalah Centre founder Rav Berg, whose followers believe has hurricane deflecting powers.
    “My money’s on Rav Berg,” says one knowledgeable source.
Medicine Man
“Gore’s still too
Rav Berg
Rav Berg
fixated on global warming, Roker would have to take a pay cut and Buffalochips has only proven capable of inducing storms, which is the opposite of what we need.
    “But if Rav Berg can change the path of hurricanes, he not only will be able to protect our country but potentially send killer storms to places like Iran and North Korea.”

    Proclaims Obama: “You can’t have too many czars in a democracy!”
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Starlet’s shocking claim:
‘The Wolfman gave me worms’
By Kay Daver
Supernatural correspondent
The Wolfman
The Wolfman
HOLLYWOOD, CALIF. – A devastated showbiz starlet has slapped Wolfman with a multimillion-dollar lawsuit, claiming the cursed star of the hit new movie gave her a disabling case of intestinal worms.
    “It was a real nightmare,” says busty blonde Betsy Hyman, who had a bit part in The Wolfman. “First they cut out my only scene and then these creepy, crawly things start showing up in my toilet.”
    Hyman, 23, says she met the famed monster on the British set of the blockbuster and quickly fell under his spell.
    “It was a full moon, so that was kind of romantic to begin with,” she recalls. “And Wolfie was howl. He started licking my face and one thing just led to another.”
Betsy Hyman
Hyman in 'Blond Bodysnatchers'
    The actress, who’s appeared in several other horror movies including Zombie Mom and Invasion of the Blond Bodysnachers, says she was really smitten with the fabled man-beast.
    “He told me he’d see me in four weeks, at the next full moon, but didn’t show,” gripes Hyman. “I heard through the grapevine he had a hot date with an Afghan hound, the bitch!”
    But Wolfman left Hyman with more than a broken heart, and when she discovered the disturbing results of her romp with the worm-infested cad, she went straight to her doctor.
    “He referred me to a veterinarian,” she moans. “Talk about embarrassing. I even had to bring in a stool sample.”
    Fortunately, the condition cleared up quickly after she started taking medication, but Hyman says she’s been left emotionally scarred and is seeking $157.50 in veterinary costs plus $5 million for pain and suffering..
    “I’m, like, totally turned off by males of all species,” she says. “And it’ll be a long time before I can even think about doing it doggy-style again!”

Editor's Note:
Gary Greenberg, Editor-in=chief
I normally make a rather fruitless bid for funding in this spot. But for the next few months or so, please use some of the money you're not contributing to the Cosmic Chronicle and donate it to one of the organizations that are helping the Haitian people in this time of great need.
Gary Greenberg

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