Obama’s secret ‘weapon’
By Justin Hale
White House correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The shocking secret to Barack Obama’s astounding success is that he’s always ready to put on his thinking cap – literally!

Obama's thinking cap

    A highly-placed White House source reveals that whenever the new president has a vexing problem to solve or important decision to make, he slips away to don a “cerebral stimulator” that optimizes his intellectual capacity.
    “At first, I thought he had a bladder problem or something,” says the West Wing insider. “But one day I accidentally walked in on him in the Oval Office bathroom and he was wearing this odd contraption on his head and smiling like a school kid with a crib sheet.”
    The device apparently works by generating plasma impulses that stimulate select neurons in the cerebral cortex. That’s the area of the brain where decisions are made about things like the economy, foreign policy and which American Idol contestant to vote for.
    The origin of the thinking cap is a well-guarded secret.
    “It’s really a national security issue,” says the insider. “Imagine what would happen if someone really dangerous like Vladimir Putin, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or Sarah Palin got their hands on it.”
    One expert believes the device comes from another planet.
    “It’s been well documented that Obama’s father was an alien, and knowing he

George W. Bush

wouldn’t be around to educate his son, he may have left this contraption for him,” surmises Dr. Hans Klaatu, professor of extraterrestrial studies at the University of Roswell.
    But the West Wing insider says the thinking cap may actually predate Obama’s administration.
    “Rumors are that it was given to President Bush by members of a secret cabal just after 9/11,” notes the insider. “But he could never figure out how to use it.”

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Young aliens cause collision
By Ace Sweeney
Intergalactic correspondent
EPSILON INDI—The catastrophic collision between two satellites orbiting 800 miles above Earth was caused by a pair of inebriated young aliens, an informed source from the United Federation of Galaxies tells the Cosmic Chronicle in a bombshell intergalactic exclusive.
    “This is clearly a breach of the Prime Directive,” blasts the source, referring to the universal law prohibiting advanced species from interfering with the natural evolution of lower life forms, such as humans.
    In the Feb. 13 incident, the derelict Russian military satellite Kosmos 2251 collided with the still-functioning U.S. Iridium 33 communications satellite at 26,170 miles per hour. The pulverizing impact created a 500-mile-wide debris field that’s expected to stay in orbit for 10,000 years, plus or minus a millennium.
   

Caught in the act: Young aliens use tractor beam to smash U.S. (left) and Russian satellites together

The Americans initially blamed the Russians, who responded by blaming the Americans. But as this shocking photo from a Federation surveillance sensor shows, the truth is that two joyriding alien juveniles from the Epsilon Indi star system used a tractor beam to smash the satellites into one another.
    “Apparently, they indulged in an inebriant and just wanted to see a neat light show,” says the source.
    The suspects had been working on a school science project about what happens when evolution takes a wrong turn. The research took them to Earth, where they were planning to observe a dead-end species idiotically destroying its own planet’s life-sustaining atmosphere.
    But, as the Cosmic Chronicle previously reported, the Epsilon Indians’ bodily fluids are alcohol-based, and the students’ blood-alcohol level mysteriously dropped too low on their trip to Earth. Overwhelmed by the water build-up in their blood, they passed out and plunged into the Gulf of Aden, where their ship was immediately hijacked by Somali pirates.

Epsilon Indian youth with rootgot al-kohl

    After regaining consciousness, the young aliens found alcohol replenishment in the pirates’ forbidden home brew, rootgot al-kohl. That straightened them up, and the two took off with plenty of the Somali alcohol to get home.
    “But they must have taken along a few cases of H2O, too,” says the Federation source. “It doesn’t take much of that stuff to get wild Epsilon Indian kids inebriated.”
    The collision in space that the two irresponsible youths caused has been deemed “catastrophic” by some humans on Earth, who fear that the massive debris field could damage many of the 900 or so existing satellites, the Hubble telescope and even NASA’s budget.
    “They’ll be punished for this,” the Federation source says about the troublemakers. “And they’re definitely getting a big, fat F on their school project!”