|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 2, Issue 5 -- 03.01.2009|
Obama’s secret ‘weapon’
Super-smart Prez wears thinking capBy Justin Hale
White House correspondent
“At first, I thought he had a bladder problem or something,” says the West Wing insider. “But one day I accidentally walked in on him in the Oval Office bathroom and he was wearing this odd contraption on his head and smiling like a school kid with a crib sheet.”
The device apparently works by generating plasma impulses that stimulate select neurons in the cerebral cortex. That’s the area of the brain where decisions are made about things like the economy, foreign policy and which American Idol contestant to vote for.
The origin of the thinking cap is a well-guarded secret.
“It’s really a national security issue,” says the insider. “Imagine what would happen if someone really dangerous like Vladimir Putin, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or Sarah Palin got their hands on it.”
One expert believes the device comes from another planet.
“It’s been well documented that Obama’s father was an alien, and knowing he
But the West Wing insider says the thinking cap may actually predate Obama’s administration.
“Rumors are that it was given to President Bush by members of a secret cabal just after 9/11,” notes the insider. “But he could never figure out how to use it.”
Young aliens cause collision
Satellite crash a ‘drunken’ prankBy Ace Sweeney
“This is clearly a breach of the Prime Directive,” blasts the source, referring to the universal law prohibiting advanced species from interfering with the natural evolution of lower life forms, such as humans.
In the Feb. 13 incident, the derelict Russian military satellite Kosmos 2251 collided with the still-functioning U.S. Iridium 33 communications satellite at 26,170 miles per hour. The pulverizing impact created a 500-mile-wide debris field that’s expected to stay in orbit for 10,000 years, plus or minus a millennium.
“Apparently, they indulged in an inebriant and just wanted to see a neat light show,” says the source.
The suspects had been working on a school science project about what happens when evolution takes a wrong turn. The research took them to Earth, where they were planning to observe a dead-end species idiotically destroying its own planet’s life-sustaining atmosphere.
But, as the Cosmic Chronicle previously reported, the Epsilon Indians’ bodily fluids are alcohol-based, and the students’ blood-alcohol level mysteriously dropped too low on their trip to Earth. Overwhelmed by the water build-up in their blood, they passed out and plunged into the
“But they must have taken along a few cases of H2O, too,” says the Federation source. “It doesn’t take much of that stuff to get wild Epsilon Indian kids inebriated.”
The collision in space that the two irresponsible youths caused has been deemed “catastrophic” by some humans on Earth, who fear that the massive debris field could damage many of the 900 or so existing satellites, the Hubble telescope and even NASA’s budget.
“They’ll be punished for this,” the Federation source says about the troublemakers. “And they’re definitely getting a big, fat F on their school project!”
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