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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 2, Issue 6 -- 03.15.2009
Miracle births have experts saying:
Octomom is the new Virgin Mary
By Peter Paul Matthews
Religion correspondent

WHITTIER, CALIF.--A diverse group of religious scholars, astrologers, metaphysicians and marketing professionals have all come to the same stunning conclusion -- Octomom Nadya Suleman is a modern-day Virgin Mary!
Octo-Mom and baby
Octo-Madonna and baby

    Suleman, 33, shocked the world when she gave birth to octuplets on Jan. 26 and, miraculously, they all survived.
    A growing number of spiritual experts now believe the infants fulfill the Messianic prophesy that heralds the Kingdom of God on Earth, or at least Whittier, Calif., where Suleman and her brood live.

    “This could be a transformative event,” declares Colton Strangeways, professor emeritus at the Burbank Divinity School. “Imagine not only the Second Coming, but the Third, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth and so on.”

    Another religious scholar notes several similarites between Suleman and the Madonna.

davinci's Madonna Litta
Madonna and Child
da Vinci -1490
    “Having conceived through in vitro fertilization, Nadya is like a 21st Century virgin mother,” says Martin Priestley, best-selling author of Christianity for Dummies. “And the fact that she has been nearly homeless and relies on the generosity of others parallels the baby Jesus being born in a manger and receiving gifts from the Magi.”
    Priestley also points out that there is an uncanny likeness between Suleman and the Madonna as depicted in art through the ages.
    "I now call her the Octo-Madonna," he proclaims.

    Astrologer Regan Lear notes that on the evening Suleman’s octuplets were born, the “morning star” of
Raphael Small Cowper Madonna
Small Cowper Madonna
Raphael - 1505
Venus was the brightest it’s been for decades.
    “Just like the star of Bethlehem, there was an unusually brilliant presence in the sky that night,” says Lear. “The stars were definitely aligned to mark something very special.”

Famed numerologist and Nostradamus expert J. Lee Klontz explains that when you add up the birth numbers for the octuplets -- 1 for the month of January, 26 for the day, 2009 for the year -- you get 2036. And when those digits are added together it equals the mystical number of 11. Multiply that by eight, for the number of infants, and the sum is 88.
“In the 88th quatrain of the final installment of Nostradamus’ The Prophecies, it is written, “...theSaviors appear in the New World from the Virgin Bride, her teats lacking in number for her bountiful pride...” notes Klontz.
    And multi-media advertising exec Joe Wisenheimer,
Sassoferrato Madonna and Child
Madonna and Child
Sassoferrato - c.1650
of Madison Avenue’s BS Group, adds that Suleman and her brood have Messianic marketing potential.
    “If a tortilla chip that vaguely resembles Christ can sell for thousands on eBay,
think what eight little Messiahs could be worth,” says Wisenheimer.
    But others believe the miracle births cannot be measured in dollars.

    “Let’s face it, between the international economic meltdown, global warming, terrorism in an age of catastrophic weaponry and the proliferation of reality shows on TV, the world's really in the toilet,” says Strangeways. “It’s clear that things are so bad one Messiah isn’t enough -- we need eight!”

DNA shocker
Geneticist: Rush Limbaugh is a pig
By Dr. Frank N. Stein
Medical correspondent

, FLA.
--Scientists have discovered the real reason conservative radio show icon Rush Limbaugh is such a media hog -- he has swine DNA!   
Rush Limbaugh
Rush Limbaugh
Pink Pig
Sus scrofa scrof
        “Tests have shown that Limbaugh has some genetic material specific to sus scrofa scrof, or the common pig,” reveals noted geneticist Dr. Jean Poole, who examined a sampling of Limbaugh’s DNA from saliva spewed during one of his raving radio rants. 
    “It shows in his physicality -- the pinkish flesh, beady eyes, flabby jowls, thick torso and stubby legs,” adds Poole.

    “The odd thing is that he also has personality traits that have been unfairly attributed to pigs, such as selfishness, gluttony, stubbornness and misogyny, along with an affinity for figuratively wallowing in the mud.”

    As this rare photo of Limbaugh as a 14-year-old shows, he actually had a pig-like snout as a youth.
Young Rush Limbaugh
Rush at age 14, before the nose job

theorizes that Limbaugh’s mom may have eaten so much pork while pregnant that the genetic code infused itself into the fetus’ DNA.
    “Unfortunately for Limbaugh, sometimes you are what your mother eats,” says Poole, director of the Acme Genetic Engineering Laboratory and Sperm Bank. “She really must have pigged out on pork morning, noon and night.

    “In any case, I’m sure she never would have had the baby if she’d known what a monstrosity it was destined to be.” 

    Another expert notes that young Limbaugh’s porcine proboscis probably led to deep psychological scars.

    “I’ve seen some pretty bad noses, but this one takes the cake,” observes Dr. James Skinner, a top cosmetic surgeon who has not treated Limbaugh but
examined our photo. “Being saddled with a deformity like this at a young age would no doubt instill in the person a deep hatred for anyone normal.”
    It’s believed that Limbaugh’s parents were too poor to pay for a nose job, but he eventually got one through Medicaid.

    “You’d think he’d be thankful for entitlement programs to help the poor after that, but unlike cows, horses and goats, pigs are notoriously hypocritical creatures,” notes livestock psychologist Dr. Cole MacDonald. “So Limbaugh’s railing against all forms of government assistance kind of fits the mold.”

    Despite the mountain of evidence, Missouri pig farmer Melvin P. Slopp doubts that Limbaugh, 58, really has any swine DNA.

    “My pigs have much better manners than Rush,” Slopp tells the Cosmic Chronicle. ”And besides that, they’re all socialists!”

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