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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 4, Issue 3 -- 04.15.2011
Spreads seed in midnight rampage
 Green Giant trashes Monsanto
By Ben Sprout
Agricultural correspondent
ST. LOUIS, MO. – The Jolly Green Giant has been arrested after brazenly attacking the world headquarters of bio-agribusiness titan Monsanto Company, trampling buildings, smashing greenhouses and otherwise wreaking havoc.
     “Worst of all, he was spreading his seed everywhere, contaminating our genetically modified organisms,” fumes Dr. Joe Mengele, director of Monsanto’s Irresponsible Experimentation Division. “But we have ways of dealing with out of control vegetation like him.”
    Following the Giant’s midnight rampage, Monsanto’s facility in Creve Coeur, Mo., was overrun with Food and Drug Agency officials along with several salad chefs. But the good-natured advertising icon quietly turned himself in hours later.
    “He just couldn’t take any more of Monsanto’s poisons, GMOs and lawsuits,” says a pal of the Giant. “Then, late last night, he got a bit too jolly on some raspberry wine and all hell broke loose. I’ll tell you one thing -- that cross- pollination of his was a quite a sight to see.”
    The 40-foot-tall Giant was set free on his own reconnaissance, but spent the day secluded in his vegetable patch.
Jolly Green Giant
    “Anybody who’s ever gotten that drunk on raspberry wine must sympathize with the Green Giant’s reluctance to get out of his flower beds today,” says the Giant’s spokeswoman Lola Germinator.
    Since this is the Giant’s first offense, he’ll probably get off with probation and a light steaming, confides a source in the St. Louis County District Attorney’s office.
    “Besides, we really don’t want him putting down roots in any of our correctional facilities,” notes the source.
    Meantime, the Monsanto legal team is reportedly set to file a series of civil lawsuits against the Giant, and lobbyists are already preparing a litany of bills and payoffs to get Congress to phase out all non-GMO produce.
    “Ultimately, we’d like to outlaw everything natural,” boasts one Monsanto insider.
    But the Giant remains unrepentant. When contacted by the Cosmic Chronicle, the 85-year-old advertising icon replied, “Ho, ho, ho!”
    And he has sworn to continue his battle against Monsanto.
    “It’s almost a death wish for the Giant, seeing how Monsanto developed super herbicides like Agent Orange and RoundUp,” says the pal. “But he’s already devising his next act of protest. I’m sworn to secrecy but can tell you one thing -- it definitely has something to do with the Green Movement!”
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‘Third time’s the charm’
Liz weds Dick again – in Heaven
By Krystal Ball
Spiritual correspondent
SEVENTH HEAVEN – Elizabeth Taylor professed eternal love for Richard Burton before she died – and she proved it by marrying him for a third time in the afterlife!
    “I always said we were soulmates,” gushes Taylor. “Now, we’ve proved it!”
     The happy couple walked the aisle to a choir of angels led by Michael Jackson in the Kingdom of Heaven’s Paradise Chapel – and they were joined in holy matrimony by God, played by Charlton Heston.
Liz & Dick
Liz and Dick's wedding in heaven
     “He actually looks the part more than I do,” admits the Almighty One.
     Taylor and Burton’s souls took their earthly forms in their prime, donning the garb they wore while shooting Cleopatra, the epic 1963 film where they met.
     “It was quite an affair,” says the late Tinseltown gossip columnist Hedda Hopper. “But I doubt it will last for eternity.
     “You should have seen the glances Liz was casting at her hubby No. 3, Mike Todd. And No. 4, Eddie Fisher, was sniffing around her like a dog in heat.”
     Taylor and Burton rekindled their stormy relationship when he greeted her at the Pearly Gates bearing a bottle of whiskey and sack of precious gems.
      “At that point, they started acting like they were flesh and blood again,” huffs St. Peter, Keeper of the Keys to Heaven. “It got so hot you could have sworn they’d both been sent to the Other Place!”
     Before Taylor’s March 23 death, Burton was reportedly linked to the original Cleopatra who, like the violet-eyed actress, bedded several powerful men during her earthly existence.
      Notes Hopper: “Obviously, Dick has a thing for gals who have been around the block.”

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