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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 3, Issue 8 -- 05.01.2010
Tempers flare over supercollider
Iceland at war with Switzerland
By Jos Bleau
European correspondent
REYKJAVIK, ICELAND – In a stunning turn of world events, Iceland has declared war on Switzerland!
Large Hadron Collider
Large Hadron Supercollider’
    The Icelanders blame the Swiss-based proton-smashing supercollider for causing their volcano Eyjafjallajokull to erupt, spewing massive clouds of ash and superfluous letters into the atmosphere that paralyzed air flights throughout Europe and interrupted satellite transmission of the hit TV show Britain’s Got Talent.
    “No sooner had they turned on that infernal machine than Eyjafjallajokull began grumbling and ejecting ash and random consonants,” charges Iceland’s chief geologist Jón Rócksson. “And when we asked them to turn it off, they told us to go jump in a fjord.”
    Now, the Icelanders fear that continued use of the supercollider -- officially called the Large Hadron Collider -- could cause the much larger but more sensibly named volcano, Katla, to also erupt.
Icdeland prime minister
Sigurðardóttir in battle mode
    “For the sake of airline passengers and Britain’s Got Talent fans everywhere, we must stop the Swiss anyway we can,” says Iceland’s gutsy prime minister Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir. “And we know economic sanctions won’t work because they already have everyone’s money.
    “Unfortunately, there is no other option but war!”
    Even though Iceland has no armed forces except for a Coast Guard with three patrol boats, four aircraft and a dozen trained sperm whales, one expert points out that the country’s threats shouldn’t be taken lightly.
    “Don’t underestimate the Icelanders’ resolve,” warns Liex du Kris, director of the France’s Politik-Fromage Institute, a think tank for European affairs and fine cheeses. “Even though they have no standing military, they’re the descendants of Vikings – and they’re pissed!”
Frenchman Liex du Kris
Liex du Kris
    Since Iceland lacks military forces, Sigurðardóttir has called for a coalition of the willing to invade Switzerland, which does have a military but hasn’t mobilized it since the Franco-Prussian War in 1871.
    “This is no different than Iraq, except there really is a weapon of mass destruction,” says Sigurðardóttir, whose name in Icelandic means “Old Battleaxe.”
    But, so far, reception has been cool.
    “No one wants to attack Switzerland because we all love their chocolates so much,” notes du Kris.
    Meanwhile, the Swiss say the Icelanders need to take responsibility for their own geological faults.
    “The supercollider has nothing to do with the eruption of their stupid volcano,” says Swiss minister of defense Hans Jungfrau. “If you ask me, they just overloaded it with too many letters. I mean, who wouldn’t blow up over the name Eyjafjallajokull!”
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Celebrates ‘Unelection Day’
Mad Hatter joins the Tea Party!
By Charles Bandersnatch
Political nonsense correspondent

WONDERLAND -- Declaring that “there’s no such thing as a bad tea party,” the Mad Hatter has joined the grassroots/Fox News Tea Party political movement that’s been sweeping America!
Mad Hatter Tea Party
The Hatter at a Tea Party parade

    “It certainly seems to be a fair and balanced movement to me,” says the notoriously unbalanced Hatter.            “Though I do find it very taxing to be so un-taxing!”

    The Hatter, who claims no party affiliation, expresses views from both sides of the political aisle.

    “I’ll liberal when it comes to blueberry tarts but conservative when it comes to Brussels sprouts,” he says.

The famed literary character was introduced to the Tea Party by his china-tossing pal, the March Hare. The zany hare joined up after noting that the Tea Partiers seemed “madder than me” during health care and veterinary reform protests at town hall meetings.
    The March Hare has since worked his way into the movement’s innermost circles.

    Declares the Hatter: “Now those Tea Partiers really do have a wild ‘hare’ up their you-know-whats!”

    Along with the organization’s “fun parades,” the Hatter says he’s looking forward to adding another celebration to his 364 “unbirthday” parties every year.

“Now we can have Unelection Day parties, too!” he exclaims. “In fact, even Election Day will be an Unelection Day for a lot of legislators if the Tea Partiers
Sarah Palin
Palin at Tea Party event
get their way.”
    But the Hatter, who shot to fame in Lewis Carroll’s 1865 novel Alice in Wonderland, also has some reservations.
    “The biggest problem so far is that the Tea Partiers don’t actually have any tea parties, which seems to be the whole point to me,” he explains. “And their champion, Sarah Palin, reminds me too much of that frightful Red Queen -- big head, small mind.

    “I really don’t think she has the foggiest notion of how to throw a real tea party -- or why a raven is like a writing-desk.”

Editor's Note: Please help Haiti
Gary Greenberg, Editor-in=chief
I normally make a rather fruitless bid for funding in this spot. But for the next few months or so, please use some of the money you're not contributing to the Cosmic Chronicleand donate it to one of the organizations that are helping the Haitian people in this time of great need. It's as easy as texting HAITI to 90999 for a $10 contribution to the Red Cross' efforts there.
Gary Greenberg

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