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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 3, Issue 9 -- 05.15.2010
New threat to stricken area
Gulf Coast overrun by attorneys
By Shlomo Garcia
National correspondent
NEW ORLEANS, LA. -- Still reeling from the disastrous oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, the Gulf Coast has been further battered by a potentially catastrophic tsunami of attorneys.
Lawyers on Gulf Coast
Lawyers washed up on Gulf Coast

    “Golly gee, I’ve never seen anything like it,” says Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal. “They’re washing up on our shores in alarming numbers. I really don’t know how we're going to clean up this mess.”
    Once ashore, the lawyers spread uncontrollably, oozing out to foul every nook and cranny in the region. And they’ve been devastating natural resources, like seafood and New Orleans Saints memorabilia.
    “They’ve decimated expansive beds of oysters Rockefeller and have devoured entire runs of Creole shrimp,” says New Orleans tourist bureau chief B.T. Roulez. “And you can’t find a Drew Brees jersey anywhere from Port Arthur to Pensacola.”
    Elevated populations of lawyers began to appear in the troubled region shortly after the April 20 explosion of the BP-owned Transocean oil rig 42 miles off the Louisiana coast. At first, just a smattering of corporate attorneys started showing up to help staunch the flow -- of lawsuits.
    But the tide of attorneys kept rising as it became more and more apparent the disaster would result in a deluge of litigation far exceeding other natural and man-made disasters, such as Hurricane Katrina, the 9/11 terrorist attacks and Tom Cruise’s last few movies.
ABA's DePew
Milton DePew
    “The legal ramifications of the oil spill actually brought two opposing groups of lawyers,” says Milton DePew, an attorney migration specialist for the American Bar & Grill Association. “Along with the corporate contingent is a ever-growing group of personal injury attorneys that has contaminated the entire coastline in a relentless search for clients who have been most affected by the spill -- like fishermen and BP gas station owners.”
    To fight the massive wealth and power of the corporate legal teams, the personal injury attorneys have coalesced into one huge glob, pooling their resources to buy TV time, pay off judges and party on Bourbon Street.
Lawyers on Bourbon St.
Personal injury attorneys partying on Bourbon Street
    “They call themselves the Free Information Brigade [FIB] and say they are offering free advice to anyone affected by the oil spill, but it’s really no different than their standard practice of working on a contingency basis,” explains DePew.
    “In any case, it’s a potential gold mine
. Not only do you have gross negligence, but you have it being done by an oil company.
For a personal injury attorney, this is the best thing to happen since the advent of  pharmaceuticals.”
    Sadly, DePew doesn't see relief coming anytime soon.
    “The corporate attorneys have become so entrenched in the region the clean-up could take years,” he explains. “And that goopy glob of personal injury attorneys is likely to last even longer.
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Editor's Note:
Gary Greenberg, Editor-in=chief
I hope you enjoy reading the Cosmic Chronicle as much as my staff of the finest news correspondents in the universe and I enjoy bringing it to you. Our reward is giving you a laugh or two in these trying times, but if you would like to contribute something more marketable -- like money, gold or Federation credits -- to help support this invaluable source of information you'll find nowhere else, we'd gladly accept it. Donations, which are tax-deductible on several planets (check your own world's tax policies for eligibility), can be made through PayPal or by check. For PayPal donations, click here and remit to:
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