|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 3, Issue 10 -- 06.01.2010|
|2nd Anniversary Special!!!|
To celebrate our 2nd Anniversary, we have a special treat:
The Cosmic Chronicle's Top 10
articles of all time (or at least our time)
Sinister plot to conquer Earth
Aliens clone George W. Bush
By Ace Sweeney
Seeing how much damage one George W. Bush has done to the world, the aliens believe that a few hundred of them could wipe out all human life in a matter of years, if not months, says the extraterrestrial expert who ripped the lid off the shocking scheme.
“In seven years as president, George W. Bush has wreaked havoc on the environment, upset the delicate balance of power in the Middle East and brought scientific research to a standstill,” notes
The plot was uncovered after Klaatu intercepted a transmission from the ETs’ home planet in the Sirius star system. He tells the Cosmic Chronicle that the aliens plan to clone Bush from a single viable brain cell.
“Even though the aliens’ cloning techniques are far superior to anything we humans can even imagine, to accomplish their goal they need to clone a viable brain cell from the cerebral cortex to replicate a grown adult with the same memories, beliefs and capacity for catastrophic mistakes as the original,” explains Klaatu.
Although some people have questioned whether Bush has any viable brain cells, one cloning expert confirms that he must.
“If he didn’t, he wouldn’t even be able to do what Dick Cheney tells him,” says Dr. Alfred E. Einstein, executive director of the prestigious Acme Stem Cell Institute in
Klaatu adds that the aliens’ plan skirts intergalactic laws designed to prevent advanced species from disrupting the evolution of lower life forms, such as human beings.
“With their advanced technologies and WPDs (weapons of planetary destruction), the aliens could easily wipe out all life on earth in a matter of minutes,” says Klaatu. “But that would violate the prime directive of the United Federation of Galaxies.
“This plan is insidiously clever. The Bush clones will cause our civilizations to destroy each other, and any societies left over would no doubt self-destruct under the influence of a Bush. It will appear to be just another example of natural selection.”
Klaatu warns that there is only one way to save mankind.
“The only way I see to stop the threat would be to destroy Bush’s brain,” he says. “To tell you the truth, he doesn’t seem to use it very much anyway.”
Octomom is the new Virgin MaryBy Peter Paul Matthews
WHITTIER, CALIF.--A diverse group of religious scholars, astrologers, metaphysicians and marketing professionals have all come to the same stunning conclusion -- Octomom Nadya Suleman is a modern-day Virgin Mary!
Suleman, 33, shocked the world when she gave birth to octuplets on Jan. 26 and, miraculously, they all survived.
A growing number of spiritual experts now believe the infants fulfill the Messianic prophesy that heralds the
“This could be a transformative event,” declares Colton Strangeways, professor emeritus at the
Another religious scholar notes several similarites between Suleman and the Madonna.
Priestley also points out that there is an uncanny likeness between Suleman and the Madonna as depicted in art through the ages.
"I now call her the Octo-Madonna," he proclaims.
Astrologer Regan Lear notes that on the evening Suleman’s octuplets were born, the “morning star” of
“Just like the star of
Famed numerologist and Nostradamus expert J. Lee Klontz explains that when you add up the birth numbers for the octuplets -- 1 for the month of January, 26 for the day, 2009 for the year -- you get 2036. And when those digits are added together it equals the mystical number of 11. Multiply that by eight, for the number of infants, and the sum is 88.
“In the 88th quatrain of the final installment of Nostradamus’ The Prophecies, it is written, “...the Saviors appear in the
And multi-media advertising exec Joe Wisenheimer,
“If a tortilla chip that vaguely resembles Christ can sell for thousands on eBay,think what eight little Messiahs could be worth,” says Wisenheimer.
But others believe the miracle births cannot be measured in dollars.
“Let’s face it, between the international economic meltdown, global warming, terrorism in an age of catastrophic weaponry and the proliferation of reality shows on TV, the world's really in the toilet,” says Strangeways. “It’s clear that things are so bad one Messiah isn’t enough -- we need eight!”
Engineer taps the power of stress
By Xavier ValdezEnvironmental correspondent
“This is a transformative discovery,” proclaims International Energy Agency spokesman Adam Powers. “If we can corral the power of stress, we can have a limitless supply of energy that is cheap, clean and readily available wherever women are found.”
Dr. P.H. Barnum, an electrical engineering professor at the famed Massachusetts Institute of Technology, says he got the brilliant idea of tapping the energy of stress while out for a Sunday drive with his wife Bertha.
Barnum, 42, got to work in the lab, and within a scant six months developed a prototype brassiere that, when worn normally, absorbs stress, converts it to electromagnetic energy and stores it in a lightweight proton battery cell.
“Converting stress into electromagnetic energy was the easy part,” says Barnum. “But fusing the network of nanotransformers into a bra was tough because I’m not a very good seamstress.”
Barnum plans to expand his StressDress line of undergarments to include panties, girdles and thongs and says it will revolutionize the energy industry.
“When in contact with the skin, it’s surprisingly efficient,” he says. “For example, a badly broken fingernail can create enough stress in a woman to power a 55-inch plasma TV for an hour. And a visit by a mother-in-law could probably provide enough energy to run an entire household for a week.
“Dress for stress and save the world!”
Sheriff Joe vaporized by illegal aliensBy Jim McNutt
“I warned Sheriff Joe that maybe we should let these guys go, seeing how they didn’t look like your typical border-hopping beaners,” says deputy sheriff Wayne P. Kuntz. “But he just wouldn’t listen.”
Arpaio, 76, and deputies tracked down the aliens near the U.S.-Mexican border in southern
“At that point,” Kuntz recalls, “Sheriff Joe says, ‘Bambutu, Dorkutu -- I don’t care if they come straight from
The sheriff reportedly drew his handgun. Sadly, that was the last thing he did.
“One of the aliens just pointed at Sheriff Joe, and the next thing I know Sheriff Joe is no longer there,” says Kuntz. “All that was left of him was some brownish slime on the ground, kind of like a wad of spit tobacco.”
It was a sudden and inglorious end for Arpaio, who dubbed himself “
Arpaio’s department also boasted of rounding up more than 15,000 illegal immigrants. But the two aliens who got away are still on the lam and considered “four-armed and dangerous.”
President George W. Bush praised Arpaio and vowed to track down the murderous fugitives from Bambutu.
“Sheriff Joe was a true American hero who certainly didn’t deserve to wind up looking like a wad of spit tobacco,” said Bush. “We’ll go the ends of the universe to hunt down the evildoers responsible for this cowardly act.
"I just hope they’re not in
Diabolical al-Qaida plot
Terrorist geese brought down planeBy Shlomo Garcia
WASHINGTON, D.C.--The flock of geese that forced the pilot of U.S. Airways Flight 1549 to make a dramatic emergency landing in the frigid Hudson River were trained by al-Qaida terrorists!
That’s the shocking conclusion of the Department of Homeland Security after a joint investigation with the Federal Aviation Administration and National Transportation Safety Board, says a high-placed government source.
“This really has everyone freaked out,” admits the source. “If terrorists can train birds to do their bidding, we could be at their mercy.”
That chilling prospect gained credibility when the Arab news network Al Jazeera released an audio tape of al-Qaida deputy operations chief Ayman al-Zawahiri proclaiming: “What’s bad for the goose is good for al-Qaida!”
And a shocking photo of an al-Qaida-trained goose has surfaced, showing the bird wearing a keffiyeh-style headdress popular with suicide bombers and other terrorists. In fact, the fanatical fowl seem to have the same disregard for civilian life as their human counterparts.
The U.S. Airways Airbus A320 with 155 people on board lost power to both engines when two geese flew directly into the engines shortly after takeoff from
Famed ornithologist Dr. Billy Rubin notes that geese -- especially ganders -- can be easily trained.
“Like most male creatures, they’ll do anything for food and sex,” explains Rubin.
The Obama administration is keeping the investigation under wraps due to its sensitive nature, but former vice president Dick Cheney notes that terrorist-trained birds bringing down aircraft presents the biggest national security threat since George W. Bush was elected commander-in-chief. And he believes there is just one way to deal with the problem.
“We have to eliminate all the geese,” says Cheney. “If you own a shotgun, this is the time to use it!”
Merck & Co. wins Nebula Award
By Dr. Frank N. Stein
WHITEHOUSE STATION, N.J. -- Merck & Co.'s blockbuster report on the so-called cervical cancer vaccine Gardasil has won the prestigious Nebula Award for science fiction writing!
“The fantasy created by Merck is so realistic, state legislatures across the nation have begun debating whether to mandate the vaccine for girls as young as nine years old,” says Nebula Award panelist Archibald McLandish. “I haven’t seen such blind devotion since L. Ron Hubbard came up with Scientology.”
Merck's report was so convincing that approval sailed through the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) in near record time – even though the vaccine neither prevents nor cures all types of cervical cancer, its long-term effects remain unknown and -- these are real numbers, folks -- the study of 20,541 women included a scant 1,121 girls under the age of 16, the primary target-group of Merck’s ongoing marketing campaign.
“It’s really a work of genius,” gushes FDA commissioner Dr. Andrew von Eschenbach about the report. “Research on the younger subjects was only followed up for 18 months -- and yet Merck has everyone rushing to inoculate their daughters.”
Wall Street analyst Rosie Days notes that the report writers have provided a much needed financial boost to the company. Merck has been reeling since its 2004 recall of Vioxx, the arthritis pain medication that permanently relieved the symptoms of some patients by causing fatal heart attacks and strokes.
“With Vioxx lawsuits coming out their ying-yang, Merck desperately needed a cash cow -- and Gardasil, at $360 a pop for its series of three shots, will have them mooing all the way to the bank,” predicts Days. “Even though less than 4,000 American women out of 150 million die from cervical cancer annually, Merck expects to rake in about $3 billion a year from the vaccine.
“The Nebula Award is fitting because those numbers are out of this worldl!”
aHarmony makes debut
Online matchmaker taps alien marketBy
The site, called aHarmony, offers relationship services to the thousands of extraterrestrials clandestinely living on Earth, most of them involved with research projects and/or plots to take over the planet.
“There are a lot of unattached aliens living amongst us, and it’s exceedingly hard for them to connect,” says eHarmony founder Dr. Neil Clark Warren.
“One look at a client’s ANUS is all it takes for us to find a perfect match,” crows
Like eHarmony, aHarmony requires participants to fill out a questionnaire to determine compatibility.
Sample questions include:
I have: a) brown eyes; b) blue eyes; c) green eyes; d) black eyes; e) three eyes
Finding a partner of the same species is: a) imperative; b) very important; c) important; d) not important; e) irrelevant so long as I can mate with it
My ideal partner has: a) beauty; b) intelligence; c) personality; d) super powers; e) tentacles.
Since the aliens must remain undetected while on Earth, security is also a vital issue.
“Imagine what would happen if the Men in Black could hack our system,” says
“As you may imagine, an alien in love would be less likely to wreak havoc on Earth than a sexually frustrated one.
“So if you’re an alien looking for love, submit your ANUS to us and you’ll soon be on your way to a romance that’s truly out of this world!”
spokesman for new line of GMOsBy Chuck Ponzi
“We’re pleased to have this icon of bioengineering onboard,” proclaims Monsanto director of public relaations P.J. Goebbels III. “Considering that our genetically modified organisms have informally come to be known as ‘franken-foods,’ we believe this to be a perfect fit.”
“Aaahhh-aaahhh,” he said. “Aaaaaahhhhhh.”
When asked why Monsanto chose a spokesman who can only grunt, Goebbels replied: “He may not be the most eloquent speaker around, but he represents everything our company stands for -- fear, destruction, domination, aberrancy -- and besides all that, he’s green, like money.”
But the Frankenstein campaign will focus on Monsanto’s ever-expanding line of GMOs, which now include blue oranges, bruise-proof bananas and grapes that grow in their own plastic wrappings.
“Meantime, grapes growing their own packaging will save on costs, which we’ll pass on to all of our consumers -- or at least those who buy our stock.”
“We also plan to bring back red pistachio nuts, but without the dye that rubs off on your fingers,” says Goebbels. “It may not be nice to fool Mother Nature, but it is very profitable!”
Adds Frankenstein: "Uuuuhhhhh. Aaaaahhhhhh!"
Special Super Bowl report
Catholic saints boost
Divine powers certainly seemed to be at work in the NFC championship game, where the Saints were outplayed by the Minnesota Vikings but still managed to eke out a 31-28 victory in the overtime nail-biter.
St. Christopher, the patron saint of travelers and turnovers, helped keep New Orleans in the game by forcing the Vikings into five giveaways to the Saints’ one.
And despite being picked apart for 310 yards by
“We couldn’t get a break,” moaned the Vikings dumbfounded coach Brad Childress. “It was like there was some kind of supernatural force that kept the ball bouncing the wrong way for us.”
Meantime, St. Lucy, the patron saint of eyes, worked some of her magic on the referees late in the game as several close calls went
“The refs seemed blind to late hits on Brett Favre throughout the game,” notes Cardinal Giovanni Gonadi, the
Of course, the whole season has been nothing short of a miracle for New Orleans, and it’s all been orchestrated by the team’s fiery leader, quarterback Drew Brees.
“Pope Benedict the XIV is so excited he’s changing his name to Benedict XLIV for Super Sunday. As far as the Church goes, the Saints making the Super Bowl is the best thing to happen since the Immaculate Reception!”
Castaway balloons to 490 lbs.
Man stranded on ‘desserted’ islandBy Ted Mange
“It was an incredible place,” says Simon Whipple, who was on a solo round-the-world voyage when his 37-foot sailboat sank in high seas in March 2008. “But if I spent another day there, I surely would have burst!”
“Cheesecake grew out of the ground like mushrooms, and there were licorice vines, candy apple trees, rock
Whipple eventually piled on more than 300 pounds.
“Everything was so tasty, and there was nothing else to do but eat,” he recalls. “At one point I built a little shack out of Pez bricks and taffy, but I wound up eating that, too.”
With his weight pushing 500 pounds, the corpulent castaway finally decided to do something about it. He built a raft out of Lifesavers and rode the currents into a shipping lane. After three days, his bulk showed up on the radar of a passing freighter and the crew hauled him aboard with a cargo winch.
Despite the ordeal, Whipple says he’s happy to be alive and anxious to get back into decent shape. But he’s dreading one aspect of civilization.
“All those sweets and I didn’t have a toothbrush,” he moans. “I’m definitely not looking forward to my next visit to the dentist!”
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We've been bringing you new issues of the Cosmic Chronicle every two weeks for two years, but due to a galactic recession we've been forced to cut back on our award-winning news-gathering staff. The result is that we'll only be able to publish one issue per month in the future. But look for special Extra editions from time to time.
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