Cosmic Chronicle

Sinister plot to conquer Earth

Aliens clone George W. Bush

By Ace Sweeney
Intergalactic Correspondent
ROSWELL, N.M. -- Aliens have devised a diabolical new strategy to conquer the planet Earth – clone President Bush!
    Seeing how much damage one George W. Bush has done to the world, the aliens believe that a few hundred of them could wipe out all human life in a matter of years, if not months, says the extraterrestrial expert who ripped the lid off the shocking scheme.
    “In seven years as president, George W. Bush has wreaked havoc on the environment, upset the delicate balance of power in the Middle East and brought scientific research to a standstill,” notes University of Roswell extraterrestrial studies professor Dr. Hans Klaatu. “Obviously, the planet can’t take any more like him and hope to survive.”
    The plot was uncovered after Klaatu intercepted a transmission from the ETs’ home planet in the Sirius star system. He tells the Cosmic Chronicle that the aliens plan to clone Bush from a single viable brain cell.
    “Even though the aliens’ cloning techniques are far superior to anything we humans can even imagine, to accomplish their goal they need to clone a viable brain cell from the cerebral cortex to replicate a grown adult with the same memories, beliefs and capacity for catastrophic mistakes as the original,” explains Klaatu.
    Although some people have questioned whether Bush has any viable brain cells, one cloning expert confirms that he must.
    “If he didn’t, he wouldn’t even be able to do what Dick Cheney tells him,” says Dr. Alfred E. Einstein, executive director of the prestigious Acme Stem Cell Institute in San Francisco. “On the other hand, it could leave him even more mentally crippled. While most people wouldn’t even notice one missing brain cell, Bush obviously doesn’t have a lot to spare.”
    Klaatu adds that the aliens’ plan skirts intergalactic laws designed to prevent advanced species from disrupting the evolution of lower life forms, such as human beings.
    “With their advanced technologies and WPDs (weapons of planetary destruction), the aliens could easily wipe out all life on earth in a matter of minutes,” says Klaatu. “But that would violate the prime directive of the United Federation of Galaxies.
    “This plan is insidiously clever. The Bush clones will cause our civilizations to destroy each other, and any societies left over would no doubt self-destruct under the influence of a Bush. It will appear to be just another example of natural selection.”
    Klaatu warns that there is only one way to save mankind.
    “The only way I see to stop the threat would be to destroy Bush’s brain,” he says. “To tell you the truth, he doesn’t seem to use it very much anyway.”

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Miracle births have experts saying:
By Peter Paul Matthews
Religion correspondent
WHITTIER, CALIF.--A diverse group of religious scholars, astrologers, metaphysicians and marketing professionals have all come to the same stunning conclusion -- Octomom Nadya Suleman is a modern-day Virgin Mary!

Octo-Madonna and baby

    Suleman, 33, shocked the world when she gave birth to octuplets on Jan. 26 and, miraculously, they all survived.
    A growing number of spiritual experts now believe the infants fulfill the Messianic prophesy that heralds the Kingdom of God on Earth, or at least Whittier, Calif., where Suleman and her brood live.
    “This could be a transformative event,” declares Colton Strangeways, professor emeritus at the Burbank Divinity School. “Imagine not only the Second Coming, but the Third, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth and so on.”
    Another religious scholar notes several similarites between Suleman and the Madonna.

Madonna and Child da Vinci -1490

    “Having conceived through in vitro fertilization, Nadya is like a 21^st Century virgin mother,” says Martin Priestley, best-selling author of Christianity for Dummies. “And the fact that she has been nearly homeless and relies on the generosity of others parallels the baby Jesus being born in a manger and receiving gifts from the Magi.”
    Priestley also points out that there is an uncanny likeness between Suleman and the Madonna as depicted in art through the ages.
    "I now call her the Octo-Madonna," he proclaims.
    Astrologer Regan Lear notes that on the evening Suleman’s octuplets were born, the “morning star” of

Small Cowper Madonna Raphael - 1505

Venus was the brightest it’s been for decades.
    “Just like the star of Bethlehem, there was an unusually brilliant presence in the sky that night,” says Lear. “The stars were definitely aligned to mark something very special.”
    Famed numerologist and Nostradamus expert J. Lee Klontz explains that when you add up the birth numbers for the octuplets -- 1 for the month of January, 26 for the day, 2009 for the year -- you get 2036. And when those digits are added together it equals the mystical number of 11. Multiply that by eight, for the number of infants, and the sum is 88.
    “In the 88^th quatrain of the final installment of Nostradamus’ The Prophecies, it is written, “...the Saviors appear in the New World from the Virgin Bride, her teats lacking in number for her bountiful pride...” notes Klontz.
    And multi-media advertising exec Joe Wisenheimer,

Madonna and Child Sassoferrato - c.1650

of Madison Avenue’s BS Group, adds that Suleman and her brood have Messianic marketing potential.
    “If a tortilla chip that vaguely resembles Christ can sell for thousands on eBay,think what eight little Messiahs could be worth,” says Wisenheimer.
    But others believe the miracle births cannot be measured in dollars.
    “Let’s face it, between the international economic meltdown, global warming, terrorism in an age of catastrophic weaponry and the proliferation of reality shows on TV, the world's really in the toilet,” says Strangeways. “It’s clear that things are so bad one Messiah isn’t enough -- we need eight!”

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Green energy breakthrough Environmental correspondent
CAMBRIDGE, MASS. -- In a groundbreaking discovery that could render fossil fuels obsolete, an electrical engineer has figured out a way to convert stress into energy!
    “This is a transformative discovery,” proclaims International Energy Agency spokesman Adam Powers.  “If we can corral the power of stress, we can have a limitless supply of energy that is cheap, clean and readily available wherever women are found.”
    Dr. P.H. Barnum, an electrical engineering professor at the famed Massachusetts Institute of Technology, says he got the brilliant idea of tapping the energy of stress while out for a Sunday drive with his wife Bertha.

Barnum works on prototype bra

    “All I wanted to do was relax after a tough week of teaching a bunch of smartass nerds about quantum mechanics and Bertha kept stressing out over everything from global warming to the leaky toilet in our guest bathroom,” recalls Barnum. “I thought, ‘If I could harness the energy of the stress that wives generate, I could save the world!’”
    Barnum, 42, got to work in the lab, and within a scant six months developed a prototype brassiere that, when worn normally, absorbs stress, converts it to electromagnetic energy and stores it in a lightweight proton battery cell.
    “Converting stress into electromagnetic energy was the easy part,” says Barnum. “But fusing the network of nanotransformers into a bra was tough because I’m not a very good seamstress.”
    Barnum plans to expand his StressDress line of undergarments to include panties, girdles and thongs and says it will revolutionize the energy industry.
    “When in contact with the skin, it’s surprisingly efficient,” he says. “For example, a badly broken fingernail can create enough stress in a woman to power a 55-inch plasma TV for an hour. And a visit by a mother-in-law could probably provide enough energy to run an entire household for a week.
    “Dress for stress and save the world!”

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Murderous spacemen on the loose
By Jim McNutt
National correspondent
MARICOPA COUNTY, ARIZ. – Tough guy Sheriff Joe Arpaio, famous for his no-holds-barred pursuit of undocumented immigrants, tragically lost his life when he tried to arrest a pair of illegal aliens -- from outer space!
    “I warned Sheriff Joe that maybe we should let these guys go, seeing how they didn’t look like your typical border-hopping beaners,” says deputy sheriff Wayne P. Kuntz. “But he just wouldn’t listen.”

Not so tough after all -- the late Sheriff Joe

   
    Arpaio, 76, and deputies tracked down the aliens near the U.S.-Mexican border in southern Arizona. The duo appeared to be collecting cacti and other desert flora. When confronted by the sheriff, the earless aliens didn’t speak but somehow projected their thoughts, explaining that they were from a planet called Bambutu and came in peace, according to the police report.
    “At that point,” Kuntz recalls, “Sheriff Joe says, ‘Bambutu, Dorkutu -- I don’t care if they come straight from Buckingham Palace. If they don’t got green cards, they’re going to jail.’”
    The sheriff reportedly drew his handgun. Sadly, that was the last thing he did.
    “One of the aliens just pointed at Sheriff Joe, and the next thing I know Sheriff Joe is no longer there,” says Kuntz. “All that was left of him was some brownish slime on the ground, kind of like a wad of spit tobacco.”      

Police sketch of the suspects

    It was a sudden and inglorious end for Arpaio, who dubbed himself “America’s Toughest Sheriff” after taking office in 1992 and instituting a series of draconian measures in the Maricopa County Jail. Among other things, he made the male inmates wear pink underwear, fed them green baloney sandwiches and – talk about your cruel and unusual punishment -- piped Newt Gringrich speeches through the jailhouse intercom. On the plus side, he started female chain gangs.
    Arpaio’s department also boasted of rounding up more than 15,000 illegal immigrants. But the two aliens who got away are still on the lam and considered “four-armed and dangerous.”
    President George W. Bush praised Arpaio and vowed to track down the murderous fugitives from Bambutu.
    “Sheriff Joe was a true American hero who certainly didn’t deserve to wind up looking like a wad of spit tobacco,” said Bush. “We’ll go the ends of the universe to hunt down the evildoers responsible for this cowardly act.
    "I just hope they’re not in Pakistan.”

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By Shlomo Garcia
National correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C.--The flock of geese that forced the pilot of U.S. Airways Flight 1549 to make a dramatic emergency landing in the frigid Hudson River were trained by al-Qaida terrorists!

U.S. Airways Flight 1549

    That’s the shocking conclusion of the Department of Homeland Security after a joint investigation with the Federal Aviation Administration and National Transportation Safety Board, says a high-placed government source.
    “This really has everyone freaked out,” admits the source. “If terrorists can train birds to do their bidding, we could be at their mercy.”

Terrorist-trained goose

    That chilling prospect gained credibility when the Arab news network Al Jazeera released an audio tape of al-Qaida deputy operations chief Ayman al-Zawahiri proclaiming: “What’s bad for the goose is good for al-Qaida!”
    And a shocking photo of an al-Qaida-trained goose has surfaced, showing the bird wearing a keffiyeh-style headdress popular with suicide bombers and other terrorists. In fact, the fanatical fowl seem to have the same disregard for civilian life as their human counterparts.
    The U.S. Airways Airbus A320 with 155 people on board lost power to both engines when two geese flew directly into the engines shortly after takeoff from New York’s LaGuardia Airport on Jan. 15.
  

'Sully' Sullenberger

    “Those birds were like kamikazes,” heroic captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger tells the Cosmic Chronicle in his first interview since miraculously landing the plane safely. “I could see they had a crazed look in their beady little eyes as they broke from formation and came right at us.”
    Famed ornithologist Dr. Billy Rubin notes that geese -- especially ganders -- can be easily trained.
    “Like most male creatures, they’ll do anything for food and sex,” explains Rubin.

Cheney hunting geese

    The Obama administration is keeping the investigation under wraps due to its sensitive nature, but former vice president Dick Cheney notes that terrorist-trained birds bringing down aircraft presents the biggest national security threat since George W. Bush was elected commander-in-chief. And he believes there is just one way to deal with the problem.
    “We have to eliminate all the geese,” says Cheney. “If you own a shotgun, this is the time to use it!”

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Gardasil report called 'work of genius'
   

Merck's Gardasil vaccine

In praise, panelists from the Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America noted an “effective use of magical realism" in the way the pharrmaceutical giant analyzed the drug's clinical trials. They also lauded a “surprising plot twist at the end,” where Gardasil is declared safe and effective despite side effects including  seizures, nausea, fainting, difficulty swallowing, fever, chills, hives, boils, lice, swarms of locusts, fiery hail from heaven and the death of  first-born daughters.
    “The fantasy created by Merck is so realistic, state legislatures across the nation have begun debating whether to mandate the vaccine for girls as young as nine years old,” says Nebula Award panelist Archibald McLandish. “I haven’t seen such blind devotion since L. Ron Hubbard came up with Scientology.”
    Merck's report  was so convincing that approval sailed through the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) in near record time – even though the vaccine neither prevents nor cures all types of cervical cancer, its long-term effects remain unknown and -- these are real numbers, folks -- the study of 20,541 women included a scant 1,121 girls under the age of 16, the primary target-group of Merck’s ongoing marketing campaign.
    “It’s really a work of genius,” gushes FDA commissioner Dr. Andrew von Eschenbach about the report. “Research on the younger subjects was only followed up for 18 months -- and yet Merck has everyone rushing to inoculate their daughters.”

Girls as young as nine are  recommended for inoculation

    Wall Street analyst Rosie Days notes that the report writers have provided a much needed financial boost to the company. Merck has been reeling since its 2004 recall of Vioxx, the arthritis pain medication that permanently relieved the symptoms of some patients by causing fatal heart attacks and strokes.
    “With Vioxx lawsuits coming out their ying-yang, Merck desperately needed a cash cow -- and Gardasil, at $360 a pop for its series of three shots, will have them mooing all the way to the bank,” predicts Days. “Even though less than 4,000 American women out of 150 million die from cervical cancer annually, Merck expects to rake in about $3 billion a year from the vaccine.
    “The Nebula Award is fitting because those numbers are out of this worldl!”

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