Cosmic Chronicle

Outrage over King of Pop’s death

Alien entity killed Michael Jackson

By Annie Matter
Galactic correspondent

Michael Jackson: Dead at 50

LOS ANGELES, CALIF.--A firestorm of controversy is raging across the galaxy after claims that the alien entity inhabiting Michael Jackson’s body caused his shocking death!
    “All aliens inhabiting human bodies are required by the Prime Directive to not harm them,” says galactic law expert Samuel T. Cogley. “But it appears that the Directive was broken in this case.”
    Jackson’s body fell inert moments after an occupying alien abandoned it following a 50-year mission to research the effects of pop music on developing life forms. While the sudden death stunned the pop idol-worshipping denizens of Earth, it came as no surprise to alien transduction experts.
    “We saw this coming for a long time,” says noted UFOlogist Morton P. Snodgrass.

Rellirthian youth

“It was clear the entity was never comfortable in Jackson’s skin and constantly tried to morph into something more closely resembling its natural state.”
    The alien is a youth from the planet Rellirth in the Sirius Star System. Its name is being withheld because it is still a juvenile in the eyes of galactic law. The 50-year project was equal to just a semester abroad for the 8^th-grade Rellirthian, whose species’ lifespan averages approximately 4,123 Earth years.
    “The Rellirthian entered Jackson’s body about 10 months after birth and gave the child extraordinary powers to sing, perform gravity-defying dances and get away with grabbing his crotch in public,” explains Snodgrass. “But after early adulthood, the human skin began to irritate the alien, especially around the nose.

Jackson in a hyperbaric oxygen chamber

“First, it coaxed Jackson to start eating a strict vegetarian diet and sleeping in a hyperbaric oxygen chamber.When that didn’t work, numerous nose jobs, skin bleaching and other cosmetic procedures followed, all making the body look more like the alien’s natural state.

Morphed out

    “But nothing managed to alleviate the discomfort, so the Rellirthian irresponsibly began pumping prescription painkillers and other drugs into its shared body to numb it out until it was time to go home.”
    The big moment came at 12:20:57 p.m., Los Angeles time, on June 25, 50 years to the nanosecond from when the Rellirthian first entered the Jackson baby’s body.
    “Without the super-potent alien life force powering the body, it quickly shut down due to the massive amounts of drugs and Pepsi in it,” explains Snodgrass. “It’s really ironic. After Jackson endured accusations of being a child abuser, it was really an alien child that was abusing him!”

Urgent medical alert

CDC declares Jacko OD epidemic

By Dr. Frank N. Stein
Medical correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- As unrelenting news coverage of the pop star’s death blankets the world, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention has declared an epidemic of Michael Jackson overdose.

CDC's Milton Phlegm

    “Symptoms include splitting headaches, insomnia, loss of appetite, delusions and an uncontrollable urge for plastic surgeries,” says the CDC alert.
    The affliction has already claimed seven deaths.
    “One man who couldn’t get the Jackson 5 song ABC out of his mind ran screaming from his house with his hands covering his ears and got run over by dump truck,” says CDC spokesman Milton Phlegm. “In another case, a construction worker moonwalked right off the 11^th story of a condo under construction in Miami.”
    The epidemic is expected to continue until Jackson’s memorial events end in late-2012.
    Says Phlegm: “Anyone experiencing symptoms of Michael Jackson overdose should call the CDC hotline at 888-JACKO-OD!”

White House bugged!

President Obama swatted a spy fly

By Justin Hale
White House correspondent

President Obama poised to swat the fly

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The seemingly common housefly that President Barack Obama swatted while filming a TV interview was equipped with high-tech surveillance gear!
Now, top national security experts are trying to determine if the fly was working for a foreign government or was part of a global conspiracy of insects bent on eliminating their greatest threat to survival -- mankind.
“Our first thought was the Chinese, who are inscrutable by nature and known to use flies to spy on their own people,” says a high-placed official in the National Security Agency. “But it also could be a plot by some nutcase like Kim Jong II, Osama bin Laden or Dick Cheney.

The spy fly's last seconds

    “The nice thing about using flies is that they’re perfectly inconspicuous and they work for crap -- literally!”
    As the Cosmic Chronicle’s exclusive photo of the fly moments before the President killed it shows, the insect was equipped with a miniature video camera.
    “This presents the biggest security threat to the country since George W. Bush started drinking again,” says the NSA official. “And if there was one bugged bug in there you have to assume there are others.”
    To handle the emergency, the White House called in Carl Spackler, a former

Carl Spackler

assistant groundskeeper who rocketed to fame fighting gophers that had infiltrated the Bushwood Country Club golf course, as depicted in the blockbuster 1980 documentary Caddyshack.
“My enemy, my foe, is an insect,” says Spackler, who went into the exterminating business after he was canned from his groundskeeper job for blowing up the golf course. “In order to conquer the insect, I have to learn to think like an insect.”

Dr. Larva Hatcher

    But famed entomologist Dr. Larva Hatcher, of the Wings ‘n’ Things Institute, warns that the late fly could be part of a greater conspiracy by insects to take over the Earth.
    “Insects have been at war with mankind ever since Homo habilis swatted his first mosquito about 2 million years ago,” says Hatcher. “But now the bugs appear to be fighting back in an organized, high-tech fashion.
    “At least that’s the buzz around here.”
    Spackler, 58, warns that a White House infestation poses a bona fide national security threat.
    “If a fly can carry a teeny- tiny video camera, think what a roach could do,” he says. “We’re talking bio and chemical weapons -- and we can’t rule out a small nuclear device.”
    But the intrepid exterminator vows to clean up the White House.
    Says Spackler: “In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, ‘Au revoir, bugs!’”

Editor's Note:

I hope you enjoy reading the Cosmic Chronicle as much as my staff of the finest news correspondents in the universe and I enjoy bringing it to you. Our reward is giving you a laugh or two in these trying times, but if you would like to contribute something more marketable -- like money, gold or Federation credits -- to help support this invaluable source of information you'll find nowhere else, we'd gladly accept it. Donations, which are tax-deductable on several planets (check your own world's tax policies for eligibility), can be made through PayPal or by check. For PayPal donations, click here and remit to: gary@cosmiccafe.com.

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Thanks for your support,
Gary Greenberg
Editor-in-chief

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