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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 4, Issue 4 -- 07.01.2011
‘The Gods are outraged’
Greece puts Olympus on the block
By Sue V. Laki
Greek Correspondent

ATHENS, GREEECE – In a desperate attempt to avoid a catastrophic national debt default, Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou has put iconic Mount Olympus up for sale!
Mount Olympus for sale
Olympus is listed with Christie's

    And the legendary Greek gods who have been living atop the hallowed peak since the dawn of time are outraged that they’re being evicted.

    “This is a slap in the face to us and deities everywhere! :(” blasted Messenger of the Gods Hermes on his Twitter page.

    But Papandreou is unmoved.

“The gods may be angry over this,” he says. “But what have they done for us lately?”

    According to a leading Greek mythologist, the 12 immortals have fallen on hard times in recent millennia as more and more people turned to the upstart god Jesus and Prophet Mohammad for spiritual inspiration and tax write-offs.

    And now the once all-powerful Greek gods face the indignity of being homeless!
Professor Metaxa
 Dr. Metaxa

    “No doubt about it, the past 2,300 years or so have been tough for Zeus and his lot,” says Dr. Spyros Metaxa III, a Greek mythology expert currently employed as a bartender in Athens’ Cafe Ambrosia. “First the Romans renamed them all and then they lost a vicious public relations war with the Christians.

    “But they always had Olympus to call home – until now.”

    Papandreou plans to sell the sacred mountain to the highest bidder and has contracted famed Christie’s to run the auction.

    “So far, China, Dubai and Disney have all expressed interest,” says Christie’s spokesman Reginald B. Greedie.

    The mountaintop abode of the gods features a cloud gate and includes the massive Palace of Zeus, posh mansions for the other gods, great halls for dining and merry-making, an armory, 50-chariot garage, stables and a nectar distillery.
Hermes on a delivery

    Now, the gods are scrambling to find work that can support their lavish lifestyle. Sun god Apollo is developing a solar energy company. Poseidon, God of the Seas, has gone into the salvage business. Ares, Hades and Hephaestus – Gods of War, the Underworld and Weapons respectively -- are forming an international security agency. Goddess of Wisdom Athena is opening up a string of charter schools in Florida. Goddess of Love Aphrodite has launched new fashion and perfume lines. And Hermes, who’s been rendered even more irrelevant by the Internet’s instant messaging, is delivering flowers.

    Meantime, Hera, skirt-chasing Zeus’ long-suffering wife, is reportedly in talks for a new reality show called The Godmother, in which she wreaks vengeance on all of the women, nymphs, heifers and geese that her husband has
Zeau and Miami Heat Big Three
Zeus with three of his boys
    Even Zeus is said to be lining up some deals between his extra-marital affairs.

    “The gods’ randy king continues to bonk anything with two legs – and some things with four!” notes Metaxa. “Zeus’ ever- growing brood of  half-mortal, half-god offspring has included the likes of Hercules, Pelé, Secretariat, Muhammad Ali, Michael Jackson, the Miami Heat’s ‘Big Three’ and several generations of New York Yankees.
Now, he’s decided to start cashing in by signing some of his kids to his new talent and sports agency, Zeus & Sons, Ltd.”
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Economic news extra:
Dollar’s slide tied to illegal drug
By Willis Norton Lynes
Drug economy correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C. – A joint task force of officials from the Department of the Treasury, the Institutes of Health and High Times magazine has concluded that the growing weakness of the U.S. dollar on the world market has nothing to do with the country’s enormous deficit, struggling housing market or free trade agreements – the problem is cocaine.
$100 cocaine
Ben's coke addiction could crash economy
    “Numerous studies have shown that four out of five bills of all denominations of U.S. currency contain trace amounts of cocaine,” notes the Department of Treasury’s Winston J. Shylock. “And after soaring for so many years, the dollar is now crashing.”
     Officials say the U.S. dollar has no hope of competing with the euro, Chinese yuan or any other currency until it can kick its destructive habit.
     “Worse off is the $100 bill,” says Shylock. “More than 90 percent of them bear evidence of cocaine. Ben Franklin’s turned into a real cokehead and, to tell the truth, Washington, Lincoln, Hamilton, Jacskon and Grant aren’t much better off.
     “Believe me, our economy is going to go straight into the toilet unless we get all of these bills help to beat their demons.”

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