|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 4, Issue 4 -- 07.01.2011|
‘The Gods are outraged’
Greece puts Olympus on the blockBy Sue V. Laki
ATHENS, GREEECE – In a desperate attempt to avoid a catastrophic national debt default, Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou has put iconic Mount Olympus up for sale!
And the legendary Greek gods who have been living atop the hallowed peak since the dawn of time are outraged that they’re being evicted.
“This is a slap in the face to us and deities everywhere! :(” blasted Messenger of the Gods Hermes on his Twitter page.
But Papandreou is unmoved.
“The gods may be angry over this,” he says. “But what have they done for us lately?”
According to a leading Greek mythologist, the 12 immortals have fallen on hard times in recent millennia as more and more people turned to the upstart god Jesus and Prophet Mohammad for spiritual inspiration and tax write-offs.
And now the once all-powerful Greek gods face the indignity of being homeless!
“No doubt about it, the past 2,300 years or so have been tough for Zeus and his lot,” says Dr. Spyros Metaxa III, a Greek mythology expert currently employed as a bartender in
“But they always had Olympus to call home – until now.”
Papandreou plans to sell the sacred mountain to the highest bidder and has contracted famed Christie’s to run the auction.
The mountaintop abode of the gods features a cloud gate and includes the massive
Now, the gods are scrambling to find work that can support their lavish lifestyle. Sun god Apollo is developing a solar energy company. Poseidon, God of the Seas, has gone into the salvage business. Ares, Hades and Hephaestus – Gods of War, the Underworld and Weapons respectively -- are forming an international security agency. Goddess of Wisdom Athena is opening up a string of charter schools in
Meantime, Hera, skirt-chasing Zeus’ long-suffering wife, is reportedly in talks for a new reality show called The Godmother, in which she wreaks vengeance on all of the women, nymphs, heifers and geese that her husband has
Even Zeus is said to be lining up some deals between his extra-marital affairs.
“The gods’ randy king continues to bonk anything with two legs – and some things with four!” notes Metaxa. “Zeus’ ever- growing brood of half-mortal, half-god offspring has included the likes of Hercules, Pelé, Secretariat, Muhammad Ali, Michael Jackson, the Miami Heat’s ‘Big Three’ and several generations of New York Yankees.
“Now, he’s decided to start cashing in by signing some of his kids to his new talent and sports agency, Zeus & Sons, Ltd.”
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Dollar’s slide tied to illegal drugBy Willis Norton Lynes
Drug economy correspondent
Officials say the U.S. dollar has no hope of competing with the euro, Chinese yuan or any other currency until it can kick its destructive habit.
“Worse off is the $100 bill,” says Shylock. “More than 90 percent of them bear evidence of cocaine. Ben Franklin’s turned into a real cokehead and, to tell the truth, Washington, Lincoln, Hamilton, Jacskon and Grant aren’t much better off.
“Believe me, our economy is going to go straight into the toilet unless we get all of these bills help to beat their demons.”
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