Cosmic Chronicle

Jews are immune to swine flu virus

Medical correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C.-- In a stunning revelation, medical researchers have discovered that Jewish people have a natural immunity to the deadly swine flu virus!

Deadly scourge: Swine flu virus

    “Apparently, the swine flu isn’t kosher,” quips Dr. Sal Monella, an infectious disease expert at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “Actually, we theorize that the Jews’ long history of shunning pork must be ingrained in their DNA, and for reasons we’ve yet to determine, their bodies naturally repel the swine flu virus.”
    Although the swine flu is sweeping the planet, there have been no cases at all reported in Israel or other predominantly Jewish enclaves, such as retirement communities in South Florida.
    “Swine flu, shmine flu,” scoffs Sheldon Goldblatt, an 83-year-old resident of Century Village in Boca Raton, Fla.. “I’m much more concerned about my farkakte prostate.”

Dr. Sal Monella

    Researchers are now feverishly trying to develop a vaccine from the Jews' swine flu-slaying antibodies.
    “We have one so far,” reveals Dr. Monella. “And preliminary tests show it’s effective and has no side effects except for an increased tendency to be a little tight with a buck.”
    Once word got out about the Chosen People’s immunity to the disease, numerous anti-Semitic groups proclaimed the swine flu to be a sinister Jewish plot.
    “This epidemic is clearly all the Jews’ fault,” blasts Leroy Kuntz, spokesman for the Aryan Society for Survival by Willfully Inflaming Peabrains Everywhere [ASSWIPE]. “Once those brainy little Jew scientists start working on something,

Osama bin Laden

anything’s possible, like the atomic bomb and the hot pastrami sandwich.”
Even reclusive terrorist kingpin Osama bin Laden emerged from hiding to declare: “Kill all the Jews! Kill all the pigs

! Just do it!”
But the CDC’s Dr. Monella points out it’s really a good thing that Jews are immune to the scourge.
“At least we’ll have plenty of doctors who can’t catch the swine flu available to treat the rest of us,” he explains. “Hopefully, they won’t stick it to us too much -- and I’m not talking about needles!”

Stella

Special section
Tinseltown Tattlers
by
Sally & Stella Stackhouse
Entertainment Correspondents

Paris Hilton exposed as hologram

BEVERLY HILLS, CALIF.--Paris Hilton’s best friend forever from last year, Las Vegas rocker Brittany Flickinger, has ripped the lid off a stunning secret about the famed celebutante -- she’s really a hologram!

Brittany (left) with Paris

    “I always thought I was about as shallow as a person can be but Paris is way more shallower,” says Brittany. “I thought it was kinda weird until I discovered that she’s, like, not even a real person but one of those computer-generated thingies.
    “Normally, you can see her and touch her and all. But sometimes, like when her power supply or whatever wavers, she kinda fades out.”
    Brittany says she discovered the stunning truth about Paris shortly after the icon of insipidness named the Sin City singer to be her new best friend forever on the MTV reality show, Paris Hilton’s My New BFF.
    “I went to hug her and my arms passed right through her body,” recalls Brittany. “I go, ‘OMG, like, what just happened,’ and she goes, ‘OMG, like, don’t tell anyone or you can’t be my BFF anymore.’
    “So I didn’t -- and the bitch dumped me anyway. So now I’m gonna tell everyone that Paris Hilton is, like, a bigger airhead than anyone even realized, for sure!”

Jennifer Aniston finds puppy love

MALIBU, CALIF.--After dating just about every eligible man in Hollywood, screen beauty Jennifer Aniston is now going out with a hunky yellow Labrador retriever named Bowser!
The sweethearts met while shooting the hit flick Marley & Me..

Jennifer and Bowser

    “We were friendly on the set but didn’t really get to know each other because I was hitting on [her human co-star] Owen [Wilson] at the time,” Aniston tells the Cosmic Chronicle in an exclusive interview. “But Bowser and I ran into each other on the beach a few weeks ago and really hit it off.”
    Since her divorce from heartthrob Brad Pitt in 2005, the 40-year-old former Friends star has been romantically linked to British model Paul Sculfor, rocker John Mayer, actors Gerald Butler, Bradley Cooper, David Schwimmer and Vince Vaughn, her ex-beau Tate Donovan and others, including animated Watchmen hero Doctor Manhattan.
    “He was sooo two-dimensional,” says Aniston about Manhattan.
    But she gushes over Bowser and downplays their 36-year age difference.
    “He may only be four years old, but that works out to be 28 in human years and he’s very mature for his age,” she says. “He’s also sweet, warm, loyal and cuddly - everything a girl could want.
    “He even licks his own balls!”

In memory of José Antonio Prado

Editor's Note:

I hope you enjoy reading the Cosmic Chronicle as much as my staff of the finest news correspondents in the universe and I enjoy bringing it to you. Our reward is giving you a laugh or two in these trying times, but if you would like to contribute something more marketable -- like money, gold or Federation credits -- to help support this invaluable source of information you'll find nowhere else, we'd gladly accept it. Donations, which are tax-deductable on several planets (check your own world's tax policies for eligibility), can be made through PayPal or by check. For PayPal donations, click here and remit to: gary@cosmiccafe.com.

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Thanks for your support,
Gary Greenberg
Editor-in-chief

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