|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 4, Issue 5 -- 08.01.2011|
exclusive interview with Monster Mom!
Octomom hires Casey to be nannyBy Ziggy Zeitgeist
“Everyone deserves a second chance,” Suleman tells the Cosmic Chronicle. “Besides, I know how the media can demonize someone – they did it to me and I didn’t even get away with killing any of my babies!”
Anthony, 25, was released from prison on July 17 after the deaf, dumb and blind jury acquitted her of killing O.J. Simpson’s estranged wife Nicole Brown. When stunned prosecutors pointed out that she’d been on trial for murdering her 2-year-old daughter Caylee, not Nicole, the jury’s foreman said in sign language: “Oops!”
Despite Anthony’s acquittal and international notoriety, the brunette vixen emerged from jail without a single endorsement deal or reality show offer. Destitute and hounded by death threats, she found shelter in Suleman’s quaint but crowded
“I could really use some help around here,” says Suleman, who was already a single mom of six when she miraculously gave birth to octuplets in January 2009. “Things have been really tough since my boyfriend Doc Ock took off.”
As the Cosmic Chronicle reported in its May 15, 2009 issue, Spider-Man’s arch enemy Dr. Otto Octavious became infatuated with Octomom during her appearance on NBC’s Today show and threatened to blow up
The two hit it off until Suleman made a play for Jon and Kate Plus 8’s Jon Gosselin with hopes of landing a new reality show called Jon Minus Kate Plus 8 Plus Nadya Plus 14 Equals 24, We Think.
“Doc Ock took off to launch another sinister plot against mankind, and when Jon got cold feet about trying to feed another 14 mouths on his salary as a solar panel installer, I was left alone,” moans Suleman. “And that’s tough when you’ve got eight kids going through the terrible twos.”
“To tell you the truth, I think she feels really bad about the whole thing and being unable to cash in on her infamy,” says Suleman. “So I don’t think she’d do it again. Besides, I'm really happy to have a new BFF to pal around with. Casey is a blast when she’s not locked up in solitary confinement!”
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LeBron blamed for debt crisisBy Jacques Strapp
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The potentially catastrophic national debt crisis that crippled Washington was averted at the eleventh hour when a bitterly divided Congress finally came up with a viable compromise – blame beleaguered Miami Heat superstar LeBron James for everything!
“By and large, the politicians don’t really care what happens so long as they cover their asses – and assets,” explains a Beltway insider. “So it was integral that they get through this fiasco without being blamed for it.
“After pointing their fingers across the aisle for months, House Speaker John Boehner came up with the brilliant idea of deflecting the blame to someone outside
Boehner inserted language into the historic bill stating that the debt crisis was “due to LeBron James’ fourth quarter failures” in the NBA championship finals as well as the pro cager’s “inflated sense of self-worth that has had a ripple effect through society, causing collapses in the housing market, consumer confidence, employment and the Cleveland Cavaliers.”
LeBron could not be reached for comment due to his excessive height, but his much shorter rep tells the Cosmic Chronicle that the future Hall of Famer is willing to accept the blame so long as it’s good for the country.
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