|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 2, Issue 17 -- 09.01.2009|
New swine flu vaccine inoculates people against socialized medicine
By Mysti Lane
“This vaccine could annihilate health care reform for generations!” declares former pharmaceutical reseacher Marvin Stool, who blew the lid off the insidious plot.
Stool, 34, was a lab technician for Novavax, the swine flu vaccine’s manufacturer, when he discovered a diabolical brainwashing agent in the top-secret formula.
“A rogue enzyme inserted into the vaccine neutralizes a key socialization gene related to man’s instinct to band together for survival,” explains Stool. “Without it, people become more easily spooked, selfish and distrustful of any fully inclusive group, such as the federal government and Paris Hilton’s address book.”
Pharmaceutical historian Edward Woosey adds that anti-socialized medicine agents were actually developed during the
“These agents have been inserted in seasonal flu shots since the mid-1990s,” says Woosey, author of Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Drugs But Were Too Fucked Up To Ask.
In a frightening development, preliminary tests of the new vaccine show that its super-potent brainwashing agent is effective in a much wider range of people, including Democrats.
“Health care reform is the biggest threat to the health care industry since the advent of preventative medicine,” says Stool, now living under an assumed name in an undisclosed location. “And that’s why they’re rushing the vaccine to the market.
"They want to
The whistleblower stresses that the conspiracy transcends Novavax to include several other pharmaceutical giants, insurance companies and funeral homes, all of which would benefit from the defeat of any kind of health care reform.
“These companies have been working together on a ‘final solution’ to socialized medicine since the Reagan era,” explains Stool. “And if a majority of the
Stool claims to have samples from the Novavax plant in Rockview, Md., that can prove all of his incredible allegations.
But Novavax spokesman Joe Lyon calls the charges ridiculous.
"They are simply the wild ravings of a disgruntled former employee," says Lyon. "But we do have a termination benefit he never collected, so if you could supply to us his address, I'm sure he' appreciate it. I know we would."
Castaway balloons to 490 lbs.
Man stranded on ‘desserted’ islandBy Ted Mange
“It was an incredible place,” says Simon Whipple, who was on a solo round-the-world voyage when his 37-foot sailboat sank in high seas in March 2008. “But if I spent another day there, I surely would have burst!”
“Cheesecake grew out of the ground like mushrooms, and there were licorice vines, candy apple trees, rock
Whipple eventually piled on more than 300 pounds.
“Everything was so tasty, and there was nothing else to do but eat,” he recalls. “At one point I built a little shack out of Pez bricks and taffy, but I wound up eating that, too.”
With his weight pushing 500 pounds, the corpulent castaway finally decided to do something about it. He built a raft out of Lifesavers and rode the currents into a shipping lane. After three days, his bulk showed up on the radar of a passing freighter and the crew hauled him aboard with a cargo winch.
Despite the ordeal, Whipple says he’s happy to be alive and anxious to get back into decent shape. But he’s dreading one aspect of civilization.
“All those sweets and I didn’t have a toothbrush,” he moans. “I’m definitely not looking forward to my next visit to the dentist!”
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