Cosmic Chronicle
|
News you won't find anywhere else | Vol 2, Issue 17 -- 09.01.2009 |
New swine flu
vaccine inoculates people against socialized medicine
By Mysti Lane
Pharmaceutical correspondent ROCKVILLE
“This
vaccine could annihilate health care reform for generations!”
declares former pharmaceutical reseacher Marvin Stool, who
blew the lid off the
insidious
plot.
Stool, 34,
was a lab technician for Novavax, the swine flu vaccine’s
manufacturer, when he
discovered a diabolical brainwashing agent in the top-secret formula.
“A
rogue enzyme inserted into the vaccine neutralizes a key socialization
gene
related to man’s instinct to band together for
survival,” explains Stool.
“Without it, people become more easily spooked, selfish and
distrustful of any
fully inclusive group, such as the federal government and Paris
Hilton’s address book.”
Pharmaceutical
historian Edward Woosey adds that anti-socialized medicine agents were
actually
developed during the
“These
agents have been inserted in seasonal flu shots since the
mid-1990s,” says
Woosey, author of Everything
You Always
Wanted To Know About Drugs But Were Too Fucked Up To Ask.
In
a frightening development, preliminary tests of the new
vaccine show
that its
super-potent brainwashing agent is effective in a much
wider range
of people, including Democrats.
“Health
care
reform is the biggest threat to the health care industry since the
advent of preventative
medicine,” says Stool, now
living under an assumed name in an undisclosed
location. “And that’s why
they’re rushing the vaccine to the market.
"They want to
The
whistleblower stresses that the conspiracy transcends Novavax
to include
several other
pharmaceutical giants, insurance companies and funeral homes, all of
which
would benefit from the defeat of any kind of health care reform.
“These
companies have been working together on a ‘final
solution’ to socialized
medicine since the Reagan era,” explains Stool.
“And if a majority of the
Stool claims to have samples from the Novavax plant in Rockview, Md., that can prove all of his incredible allegations. But Novavax spokesman Joe Lyon calls the charges ridiculous. "They are simply the wild ravings of a disgruntled former employee," says Lyon. "But we do have a termination benefit he never collected, so if you could supply to us his address, I'm sure he' appreciate it. I know we would." |
Man
stranded on ‘desserted’
island
By
Ted MangeInternational correspondent
“It was an incredible place,” says Simon Whipple, who was on a solo round-the-world voyage when his 37-foot sailboat sank in high seas in March 2008. “But if I spent another day there, I surely would have burst!”
“Cheesecake grew out of the ground like mushrooms, and there were licorice vines, candy apple trees, rock
Whipple eventually piled on more than 300 pounds. “Everything was so tasty, and there was nothing else to do but eat,” he recalls. “At one point I built a little shack out of Pez bricks and taffy, but I wound up eating that, too.” With his weight pushing 500 pounds, the corpulent castaway finally decided to do something about it. He built a raft out of Lifesavers and rode the currents into a shipping lane. After three days, his bulk showed up on the radar of a passing freighter and the crew hauled him aboard with a cargo winch.
Despite the ordeal, Whipple says he’s happy to be alive and anxious to get back into decent shape. But he’s dreading one aspect of civilization. “All those sweets and I didn’t have a toothbrush,” he moans. “I’m definitely not looking forward to my next visit to the dentist!” |
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