Cosmic Chronicle

Mite-y economic help

Bedbug stimulus boosts job growth

By Bernie Roach
Etymological correspondent

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a blockbuster world exclusive, the Cosmic Chronicle can reveal that the bedbug epidemic sweeping the nation was orchestrated by the beleaguered Obama administration in a desperate attempt to kick start the sluggish job market.
    A Beltway insider has blown the lid off the secret stimulus program, code name Creepy-Crawly, noting that it is actually a rare bipartisan effort.
    “If there’s one thing politicians from both sides of the aisle know about, it’s vermin,” explains the insider. “Besides, everyone on Capital Hill is really serious about the economy – campaign contributions are way down since the last election.”
    But bedbugs could take a big bite out of the recession. And the exterminating business is already skyrocketing.
    “Profits and itching are way up,” notes financial analyst Rosie Days.
    In a desperate bid to keep Operation Creepy-Crawly top secret and totally unscrupulous, President Obama asked former Bush Administration officials Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld to spearhead it.

Dick Cheney

    “They were reluctant until realizing the immense potential for profiteering on what Cheney is now calling the War on Bedbugs,” says Republican strategist Greigh D. Schmucker. “So they accepted on the condition that there would be absolutely no oversight, just like when Dubya was president.”
    Former Vice President Cheney immediately secured a no-bid government contract for the new Halliburton subsidiary, Dick’s Bugging & Debugging, Inc.
    Meantime, the Obama administration initially sought funds for new technologies to fight the scourge, but former Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld -- who recently joined the board of Terminix International -- insists that his company and other exterminators already have the necessary tools to win the battle.

Donald Rumsfeld

    “You have to fight bedbugs with the weapons you have, not the ones you wish you had,” he says. “And the longer it takes, the better -- for our profits.”
    Experts predict it’s going to be just that -- a very long, very profitable battle.
    “Bedbugs are typically as difficult to get rid of as long-term Congressmen,” says noted pest annihilation expert D.D. Teigh. “And these were imported from Africa, a super-breed so tough they don’t even need beds.
    “Get them in a Marriott or Hilton and they really thrive!”
    In a bid to target the rich, Obama ordered the newly renamed Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearm and Bedbug Bureau to focus on infesting 4- and 5-star hotels.
    “People who can afford to stay in hotels that run upwards of $200 a night will foot most of the bill in the War on Bedbugs,” says the Beltway insider. “It’s really a great game plan. Operation Creepy-Crawly is good for business but doesn't burden the middle class or raise taxes. Everyone wins – except fat cats and bedbugs!”