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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 2, Issue 23 -- 12.01.2009
Crossover bug poses global threat
Salesman catches computer virus
By Dr. Frank N. Stein
Medical correspondent
, NEB.
– Scientists have confirmed that life insurance salesman Joe Hancock is the first human being to catch a computer virus – and they fear a devastating epidemic of global proportions could be immanent!
    “It’s been our greatest concerns for years,” admits infectious disease expert Dr. Alvin Shankar. “Whenever a virus leaps from one species to another – like the bird or swine flus – the human body becomes more susceptible to the disease and the symptoms are more severe.
    “Jumping from a machine to man could be catastrophic – especially for the banking industry.”
Davinci-spears virus
The dreaded virus is spreading fast
    The infected life insurance agent is believed to have been struck with the malicious DaVinci-Spears bug, which typically inserts pop-up programs that both give and request too much personal information.
    “Jack kept popping up all over the place – the market, the bank, strip clubs – telling people stuff like he wasn’t wearing any underwear and asking them the most personal questions about their social security numbers, bank account, credit cards, bra size and the like,” says the victim’s friend Paul Benwah. “And at ATMs, he’d peer over people’s shoulders to get their PIN numbers.”
    Hancock’s sister Jezebel was the one who turned him in.
    “He was hacking all the time and it finally got to me,” she admits.
    Hancock, 43, was arrested on some nebulous legal charges before being diagnosed with the computer bug by the IT staff at Symantic, the famed anti-virus  software company.
    “No doubt about it, he was infected with DaVinci-Spears,” says Symantic head Ed Norton III. “And it ran pretty deep. We had to wipe out his hard drive and reinstall his childhood memories, client list, golf handicap and all.
    “If someone doesn't crack this DaVinci-Spears code soon, all hell could break loose.”
    Officials at the government’s Centers for Disease Control have issued a warning for all computer users to wash their hands thoroughly after touching one of the devices and to wear surgical masks whenever going online.
    “To be quite frank, we don’t have any idea how DaVinci-Spears is spreading, especially considring Britney’s last tour,” says a highly-placed CDC insider. “But we have to issue some warnings or risk having our funding cut.”
Merck & company tech
Merck & Co. tech working on vaccine
    Meanwhile, the pharmaceutical giant Merck & Co. is rushing to cash in by developing a vaccine for the virus. And in an unprecedented move, the Federal Drug Agency has already approved the drug -- even though it has yet to be produced or tested.
    “This is too big a threat to worry about details,” declares the CDC insider, who wished to remain anonymous due to the stupidity of his remarks. “We really don’t know if there’s anything we can do to fight this virus, but if we throw enough money at it, it will at least look like we’re trying to do something!”
For past issues of the Cosmic Chronicle, check out the Archive
Tragic news update
Ghostbuster lost in space
By Jim McNutt
NASA Bureau Chief
, FLA.
– The intrepid Ghostbusters rid the International Space Station of a funny but malevolent ghost that had been haunting it since before Halloween – but the price was steep as heroic Dr. Peter Venkman made the ultimate sacrifice!
Dr. Peter Venkman
Venkman sizing up the ghost

    “The last thing he said to me was, ‘See ya on the other side, pal. But till then, I guess you'll just have to try to bust my ghost-white ass!’” recalls a teary-eyed Dr. Egon Spengler, one of his ghostbusting compatriots.
    Spengler was battling the troublesome spirit with Venkman and the third of the famed trio, Dr. Raymond Stantz, outside the space station when tragedy struck.
    “We had the ghost triangulated by proton streams when it suddenly let loose a humongous ectoplasmic fart and broke free,” says Spengler. “Venkman was the only one who maintained contact, and rather than let the ghost go he dragged it off into the depths of space with a spirited wave goodbye. It was the bravest – and dumbest – thing I ever saw.”
ghostbusting in space
Brave Ghostbuster waves goodbye
    As the Cosmic Chronicle has reported, ever since the last Soyuz flight to the space station docked on Oct. 2, the ISS has been plagued by a prank-loving ghost that bears a striking resemblance to the late comedian Rodney Dangerfield. After reversing the flow of the space station’s zero-gravity toilet and creating other mischief, the ghost caused the water recovery system to churn out beer, which brought a grinding halt to all productive activity on the orbiting laboratory.
    Desperate, and with nothing in NASA’s 10,347-page ISS Trouble Shooting Guide about ghost extraction, the government called in the Ghostbusters, and they blasted off aboard the Atlantis space shuttle on Nov. 16.
    Sadly, due to government regulations that outlaw the recognition of ghosts, the whole drama has been kept top secret and courageous Dr. Peter Venkman’s heroic sacrifice may never be widely known.
    “Thanks to the Cosmic Chronicle for revealing the truth,” says Dr. Spengler. “Peter deserves being remembered for something other than a silly movie.
    “Unfortunately, at this point, he is the enemy!”

Editor's Note:
Gary Greenberg, Editor-in=chief
I hope you enjoy reading the Cosmic Chronicle as much as my staff of the finest news correspondents in the universe and I enjoy bringing it to you. Our reward is giving you a laugh or two in these trying times, but if you would like to contribute something more marketable -- like money, gold or Federation credits -- to help support this invaluable source of information you'll find nowhere else, we'd gladly accept it. Donations, which are tax-deductible on several planets (check your own world's tax policies for eligibility), can be made through PayPal or by check. For PayPal donations, click here and remit to:
Checks or money orders can be made out to SuperWriter, Inc. and mailed to: SuperWriter, Inc., 398 Pine Circle, Boca Raton, FL 33432, USA, Planet Earth.
Thanks for your support,
Gary Greenberg

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