|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 2, Issue 23 -- 12.01.2009|
Crossover bug poses global threat
Salesman catches computer virusBy Dr. Frank N. Stein
“It’s been our greatest concerns for years,” admits infectious disease expert Dr. Alvin Shankar. “Whenever a virus leaps from one species to another – like the bird or swine flus – the human body becomes more susceptible to the disease and the symptoms are more severe.
“Jumping from a machine to man could be catastrophic – especially for the banking industry.”
“Jack kept popping up all over the place – the market, the bank, strip clubs – telling people stuff like he wasn’t wearing any underwear and asking them the most personal questions about their social security numbers, bank account, credit cards, bra size and the like,” says the victim’s friend Paul Benwah. “And at ATMs, he’d peer over people’s shoulders to get their PIN numbers.”
Hancock’s sister Jezebel was the one who turned him in.
“He was hacking all the time and it finally got to me,” she admits.
Hancock, 43, was arrested on some nebulous legal charges before being diagnosed with the computer bug by the IT staff at Symantic, the famed anti-virus software company.
“No doubt about it, he was infected with DaVinci-Spears,” says Symantic head Ed Norton III. “And it ran pretty deep. We had to wipe out his hard drive and reinstall his childhood memories, client list, golf handicap and all.
“If someone doesn't crack this DaVinci-Spears code soon, all hell could break loose.”
Officials at the government’s Centers for Disease Control have issued a warning for all computer users to wash their hands thoroughly after touching one of the devices and to wear surgical masks whenever going online.
“To be quite frank, we don’t have any idea how DaVinci-Spears is spreading, especially considring Britney’s last tour,” says a highly-placed CDC insider. “But we have to issue some warnings or risk having our funding cut.”
“This is too big a threat to worry about details,” declares the CDC insider, who wished to remain anonymous due to the stupidity of his remarks. “We really don’t know if there’s anything we can do to fight this virus, but if we throw enough money at it, it will at least look like we’re trying to do something!”
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Ghostbuster lost in spaceBy Jim McNutt
NASA Bureau Chief
“The last thing he said to me was, ‘See ya on the other side, pal. But till then, I guess you'll just have to try to bust my ghost-white ass!’” recalls a teary-eyed Dr. Egon Spengler, one of his ghostbusting compatriots.
Spengler was battling the troublesome spirit with Venkman and the third of the famed trio, Dr. Raymond Stantz, outside the space station when tragedy struck.
“We had the ghost triangulated by proton streams when it suddenly let loose a humongous ectoplasmic fart and broke free,” says Spengler. “Venkman was the only one who maintained contact, and rather than let the ghost go he dragged it off into the depths of space with a spirited wave goodbye. It was the bravest – and dumbest – thing I ever saw.”
Desperate, and with nothing in NASA’s 10,347-page ISS Trouble Shooting Guide about ghost extraction, the government called in the Ghostbusters, and they blasted off aboard the Atlantis space shuttle on Nov. 16.
Sadly, due to government regulations that outlaw the recognition of ghosts, the whole drama has been kept top secret and courageous Dr. Peter Venkman’s heroic sacrifice may never be widely known.
“Thanks to the Cosmic Chronicle for revealing the truth,” says Dr. Spengler. “Peter deserves being remembered for something other than a silly movie.
“Unfortunately, at this point, he is the enemy!”
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