Cosmic Chronicle

Somali pirates hijack alien ship

By Ace Sweeney
Intergalactic correspondent

HARARDHERE, SOMALIA--Somali pirates off the coast of East Africa have captured their most ambitious prize yet -- an alien spaceship!
    And it could be their biggest payday ever.
    “They’ve been reaping millions of dollars for ordinary freighters and tankers, so imagine the ransom they could get for an intergalactic ship like this,” says Branford Solis, Interpol’s East African bureau chief. “Then again, these boneheads may be endangering the whole planet by messing with a technology-advanced alien race.
    “Only time will tell.”
    The pirates were cruising in the Gulf of Aden on Dec. 13 when the alien ship plunged into the sea, an eyewitness tells the Cosmic Chronicle. Although the spacecraft didn’t appear to be seriously damaged, there were no signs of activity. So the Somali pirates towed it back to their lawless stronghold in Harardhere.

Somali pirates towing their latest prize

    The Somalis tried to open the open the alien craft with everything from machetes to a rocket launcher and nothing worked, although some spillage of the forbidden local brew, rotgoot al-kohl, did manage to tarnish the otherwise unblemished finish.
    Intergalactic space travel experts believe that the craft's occupants probably perished during their journey or upon impact.
    “It’s also possible that they may be in some kind of suspended animation or just unwilling to emerge from the safety of their seemingly impenetrable ship in such a hostile environment,” notes renowned astrophysicist Dr. Ivan Suess. “Maybe they’re just shy, or sly, or even a spy, oh my!”

Yahoodi Doodi

Somali pirate leader Yahoodi Doodi says they plan to ransom the spacecraft -- to the highest bidder on eBay.
“The Americans, Chinese and Russians are apparently very interested because the spaceship represents a fount of advanced technology,” says international business consultant Hal E. Burton. “Disney, Steven Spielberg, Richard Branson, the Arab emirate of Dubai, the city of Roswell, N.M., and David Bowie are also said to be interested.

    “Even in this economy the ship could fetch billions.”
    But Interpol’s Solis warns the cost could be even greater.
    “Let’s put it this way,” he says. “If the real owners decide to come after it, I wouldn’t worry about the diminishing value of your 401-K. We're talking Armageddon.”