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Cosmic Chronicle
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Editor-in-chief: Gary Greenberg
 Mad Hatter picked to run bureau
Trump Launches White House News
By Charles Bandersnout
Political Nonsense Correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunning response to the “very, very dishonest media” that have been plaguing President Donald Trump’s fledgling autocracy with indisputable facts and stone-cold realities, the Commander-in-Chief has launched the White House News Network (WHNN) – and he’s named Tea Party favorite Mad Hatter to run it!
Mad Hatter and Donald Trump
Trump introduces Hatter, his WHNN  chief
    “Now, the American people can finally get the news straight from the administration, before it is twisted by so-called journalists who continue to lie about things like my integrity, the Bowling Green terrorist attack, global warming and the tooth fairy,” the President said in a series of Tweets. “And I can think of no one more qualified to helm this totally honest news bureau than the Mad Hatter, whose version of reality is closely aligned to mine.”
    Since taking the oath of office on Jan. 20, Trump has relentlessly blasted the media for reporting any news that may interfere with his quest for total world domination and/or annihilation.
    “Trump hit the breaking point when (Fox News commentator) Bill O’Reilly called Vladimir Putin a killer during an interview that aired on Super Bowl Sunday,” reveals an administration insider. “He said, ‘If I can’t trust Fox to be fair and balanced with my good pal Vlad, I’m just going to have to start my own news network.’”
    Trump’s first choice to serve as director of the WHNN was his close advisor Kellyanne Conway, who not only blew the lid off the fictitious Bowling Green massacre but also coined the term “alternative facts” to dull the impact of the administration’s blatant lies.
    “Kellyanne convinced Trump she could better serve under him in different positions, especially since (First Lady) Melania’s still living in New York,” explains the insider.
    Meanwhile, the Mad Hatter has no experience in the news business, or any other gainful employment.
    “You have to be completely unqualified to qualify for a job in the Trump administration,” declares the Hatter, who shot to fame in the 1865 Lewis Carroll blockbuster, The Adventures of Alice in Wonderland.
March Hare
The March Hare

    As the Cosmic Chronicle reported in its May 1, 2010 issue, the Hatter joined the upstart Tea Party, proclaiming, “There’s no such thing as a bad tea party.” Two years later, he topped the Tea Party presidential ticket but wound up
spending all of the campaign contributions on hats, tea parties and Prozac for his running mate, the March Hare.
    “I plan to bring the March Hare aboard WHNN because he’s as mad and unqualified as me and Trump,” says the Hatter. “Together, we’re going to make America’s news fake again!”
For more Cosmic Chronicle scoops, check out the Archive
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