|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 4, Issue 6 -- 02.01.2012|
Tea Party picks Mad Hatter to run
By Charles Bandersnatch
Political nonsense correspondent
“The Mad Hatter epitomizes everything the Tea Party stands for,” proclaims Earl Grey, one of the founding fathers of the grassroots political powerhouse. “He’s a
As the Cosmic Chronicle reported in its May 1, 2010 issue, The Hatter, who shot to fame as a character in Lewis Carroll’s classic, The Adventures of Alice in Wonderland, decided to join the then fledgling Tea Party, noting: “There’s no such thing as a bad tea party.”
According to a source close to madcap candidate, plans are to use his famed riddle – Why is a raven like a writing desk? – as a presidential campaign slogan.
“It sounds good but means nothing – just like Herman Cain’s ‘9-9-9’ tax proposal,” explains the insider. “And look what that did for Cain’s poll numbers before his campaign got caught in his fly.”
“Newt Gingrich may be a good debater, but he’s about as likeable as crotch itch,” says Grey. “And while Mitt Romney has a ton of money and great hair, he’s a Mormon.
“In contrast, The Hatter is extremely likeable and although no one’s sure of his religious affiliation, he’s certainly not a Mormon, who are forbidden to drink tea.”
In announcing The Hatter’s candidacy, Grey, acting director of the traditional marriage group Families Against Gays (FAG), declared: “The Hatter may look gay but he’s no fairy. In fact, he loves hanging out with FAG members.”
The Hatter recently won more Tea Party praise by declaring that he doesn’t like “anything too taxing” and signing American Tax Reform president Grover Norquist’s anti-tax pledge.
Fox News analyst Paul Jabberwolky, a gibberish expert, explains: “While that statement may sound like nonsense to the untrained ear, what The Hatter is really saying is that the Tea Party’s anti-tax movement can’t be stuffed into the teapot of
The Hatter was ultimately crowned Tea Party champion at a convention in Wonderland on Jan. 28, and he brought down the house by declaring: “Tea time!”
“The Hare’s as mad as The Hatter, so they make a good pair, especially for politics,” notes Grey. “Palin reminds The Hatter too much of the Red Queen, who once ordered him decapitated. He says having her on the ticket ‘is no way to get a head!’”
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by Bill O. Wrights
Jeb Bush changes his name to ‘
“If the convention becomes deadlocked between Mitt [Romney] and Newt [Gingrich], they could wind up drafting someone more electable which, quite frankly, isn’t saying much,” explains top GOP strategist Joseph P. Cutthroat.
“That someone could be Jeb, who not only has impeccable conservative credentials but also a Latin wife and decent hair. Of course, the problem is that he’s got the Bush name, which Dubya ruined, perhaps for generations.
“By changing his name to
“In fact, I hear he’s even grown a beard!”
New vaccine fights attack adsWHITEHOUSE STATION, N.J. – The epidemic of political attack ads in the 2012 presidential campaign is spawning misery across the TV nation – but there is hope!
Pharmaceutical giant Merck & Co. has developed a new vaccine that company-sponsored studies show protect TV viewers from this horrific plague.
“People across this great land are becoming sick and tired of the stomach- turning ads,” explains Merck spokesman B.S. Speaker. “Our new vaccine, called AntiAd, offers Americans relief from the relentless onslaught.”
“The endorphins create euphoria while the plagues cause temporary amnesia,”
According to Merck’s comprehensive 6-week study of 11 subjects, the vaccine is safe and effective. Possible side effects include nausea, hair loss, seizures, stroke, early-onset Alzheimer’s and poor TV reception.
“It’s a long way to November,” warns Merck’s Speaker, referring to the Nov. 5 presidential election. “With the epidemic of attack ads spreading fast, from
Gay man votes for Rick SantorumKEY WEST, FLA. –
Through one House and two Senate campaigns, Santorum never received so much as one vote from a gay person, man or woman or in between, like Chaz Bono.
In a world exclusive interview, de Palma tells the Cosmic Chronicle the shocking truth behind his historic vote.
“I just did it because I like that cute little sweater vest he wears up north,” says de Palma. “It makes him look so vulnerable -- I just want to give him a big squeeze.”
When told that the ultra-conservative candidate preaches that homosexuality can lead to bestiality and should be outlawed, and that kids are better off with a father in jail than same-sex parents, de Palma said: “Oops!”
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