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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 4, Issue 6 -- 02.01.2012
Frustrated by GOP candidates…
Tea Party picks Mad Hatter to run
By Charles Bandersnatch

Political nonsense correspondent
BOSTON, MASS. – Disgusted by the withering slate of Republican presidential candidates, the Tea Party has decided to choose its own contender – the Mad Hatter.
Mad Hatter
The Hatter
   “The Mad Hatter epitomizes everything the Tea Party stands for,” proclaims Earl Grey, one of the founding fathers of the grassroots political powerhouse. “He’s a Washington outsider who doesn’t believe in big government, taxes or reality.”
    As the Cosmic Chronicle reported in its May 1, 2010 issue, The Hatter, who shot to fame as a character in Lewis Carroll’s classic, The Adventures of Alice in Wonderland, decided to join the then fledgling Tea Party, noting: “There’s no such thing as a bad tea party.”
    According to a source close to madcap candidate, plans are to use his famed riddle – Why is a raven like a writing desk? – as a presidential campaign slogan.
    “It sounds good but means nothing – just like Herman Cain’s ‘9-9-9’ tax proposal,” explains the insider. “And look what that did for Cain’s poll numbers before his campaign got caught in his fly.”
Tea Party rally
Hatter supporters at a rally
    Meanwhile, Tea Party stalwarts are exasperated by the current Republican frontrunners.
    “Newt Gingrich may be a good debater, but he’s about as likeable as crotch itch,” says Grey. “And while Mitt Romney has a ton of money and great hair, he’s a Mormon.
    “In contrast, The Hatter is extremely likeable and although no one’s sure of his religious affiliation, he’s certainly not a Mormon, who are forbidden to drink tea.”
    In announcing The Hatter’s candidacy, Grey, acting director of the traditional marriage group Families Against Gays  (FAG), declared: “The Hatter may look gay but he’s no fairy. In fact, he loves hanging out with FAG members.”
    The Hatter recently won more Tea Party praise by declaring that he doesn’t like “anything too taxing” and signing American Tax Reform president Grover Norquist’s anti-tax pledge.
The Hatter at Tea Party rally
 Hatter  at convention in Wonderland
    “I once knew a dormouse named Norquist,” The Hatter said at the signing. “He was tough to stuff into a teapot.”
    Fox News analyst Paul Jabberwolky, a gibberish expert, explains: “While that statement may sound like nonsense to the untrained ear, what The Hatter is really saying is that the Tea Party’s anti-tax movement can’t be stuffed into the teapot of Washington politics as usual.” 
    The Hatter was ultimately crowned Tea Party champion at a convention in Wonderland on Jan. 28, and he brought down the house by declaring: “Tea time!”
March hare
March Hare
    Although many in the Tea Party would like The Hatter to pick former GOP vice presidential candidate-turned-media-whore Sarah Palin as his running mate, he’s ruled her out in favor of his longtime pal, the March Hare.
    “The Hare’s as mad as The Hatter, so they make a good pair, especially for politics,” notes Grey. “Palin reminds The Hatter too much of the Red Queen, who once ordered him decapitated. He says having her on the ticket ‘is no way to get a head!’”
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Washington Insider
by Bill O. Wrights
Jeb Bush changes his name to ‘Lincoln
TALLAHASSEE, FLA. – In a stunning rebuke of his own family, former Florida governor and first brother Jeb Bush has petitioned the courts to change his last name to Lincoln!
jeb bush
Jeb Lincoln
   Beltway insiders believe that Jeb is positioning himself for the GOP presidential nomination but knows he has no hope if he retains the name so hopelessly tarnished by his brother George.
   “If the convention becomes deadlocked between Mitt [Romney] and Newt [Gingrich], they could wind up drafting someone more electable which, quite frankly, isn’t saying much,” explains top GOP strategist Joseph P. Cutthroat.
    “That someone could be Jeb, who not only has impeccable conservative credentials but also a Latin wife and decent hair. Of course, the problem is that he’s got the Bush name, which Dubya ruined, perhaps for generations.
   “By changing his name to Lincoln, Jeb’s not only shedding the ‘Bush’ albatross but also aligning himself with arguably the best president America has ever had.
   “In fact, I hear he’s even grown a beard!”
New vaccine fights attack ads
WHITEHOUSE STATION, N.J. – The epidemic of political attack ads in the 2012 presidential campaign is spawning misery across the TV nation – but there is hope!
   Pharmaceutical giant Merck & Co. has developed a new vaccine that company-sponsored studies show protect TV viewers from this horrific plague.
   “People across this great land are becoming sick and tired of the stomach- turning ads,” explains Merck spokesman B.S. Speaker. “Our new vaccine, called AntiAd, offers Americans relief from the relentless onslaught.”
Anit attack ad vaccine
AntiAd protects againt attack ads
   Although Merck is refusing to say exactly how the vaccine works, one expert believes it triggers the release of feel- good endorphins as well as plaques that block communication between brain cells whenever the subject experiences feelings of disgust due to disturbing visual/aural stimulation, such as Newt Gingrich.
   “The endorphins create euphoria while the plagues cause temporary amnesia,” Harvard University Medical School neurology professor Dr. Medulla Oblongata tells the Cosmic Chronicle. “So the person who views the commercial will forget about it immediately but be left with a manufactured sense of well being, like one gets from an Obama speech.”
   According to Merck’s comprehensive 6-week study of 11 subjects, the vaccine is safe and effective. Possible side effects include nausea, hair loss, seizures, stroke, early-onset Alzheimer’s and poor TV reception.
   “It’s a long way to November,” warns Merck’s Speaker, referring to the Nov. 5 presidential election. “With the epidemic of attack ads spreading fast, from Iowa to New Hampshire, South Carolina, Florida and beyond, every American needs to be protected or face the wrath of this insidious scourge!”

Gay man votes for Rick Santorum
KEY WEST, FLA. – Florida resident Bertrand de Palma made history in the Jan. 31 Republican presidential primary when he became the first openly gay person to vote for Rick Santorum.
Gay man
Bertrand de Palma

   Through one House and two Senate campaigns, Santorum never received so much as one vote from a gay person, man or woman or in between, like Chaz Bono.
   In a world exclusive interview, de Palma tells the Cosmic Chronicle the shocking truth behind his historic vote.
   “I just did it because I like that cute little sweater vest he wears up north,” says de Palma. “It makes him look so vulnerable -- I just want to give him a big squeeze.”
   When told that the ultra-conservative candidate preaches that homosexuality can lead to bestiality and should be outlawed, and that kids are better off with a father in jail than same-sex parents, de Palma said: “Oops!”

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