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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 3, Issue 5 -- 03.01.2010
Manned space program cut but...
‘Womanned’ missions to take flight
By Jim McNutt
NASA Bureau Chief
, FLA.
– The Obama Administration decision to cut manned space missions from NASA’s budget stunned the nation and sparked widespread protests by scientists, aliens and NASA contractors – but human exploration of space will continue!
Sexy astronaut
New Astronette
    In a bombshell world exclusive, a highly-placed NASA insider tells the Cosmic Chronicle that the president will soon issue an executive order establishing a new womanned space program!
    “When Obama realized what the manned missions have meant to America, in a sense of national pride and poll numbers, he figured he’d made a big boo-boo by eliminating it,” explains the insider. “But if he admitted he was wrong he’d look weak.
    “So the president came up with the brilliant idea of reinstating it but making space a woman’s domain, kind of like the kitchen.”
    Although the program has yet to be announced, planning has actually been underway for months.
    “We’ve already ordered another zero-gravity toilet for the International Space Station,” reveals the insider.
ISS as it is now...
ISS redecotrated
...and as it might look redecorated
    One of the first tasks of the new “astronette” corps will be to give the ISS an extreme makeover, overseen by domestic diva Martha Stewart.
    “I can’t wait to add some pastel colors to liven up the place,” Stewart told a pal. “And that new bay window is just screaming for curtains and a scalloped valance.”
    Obama is also expected to reinstate plans for permanent bases on the moon, a role our insider says is a perfect fit for the astronettes.
    “You can bet that women won’t waste their time joy-riding around the moon in a suped up go-cart and hitting golf balls like the guys did in the '70s,” notes the insider. “They’ll set up house, which is just what we need.”
    Although there have been some grumblings about the new astronette corps from some NASA oldtimers, women’s groups are applauding the plan.
    Proclaims National Organization of Women chief Terry O’Neill: “This is a giant leap for womankind!”
For past issues of the Cosmic Chronicle, check out the Archive
Medical miracle
Docs remove Dick Cheney’s heart
By Dr. Frank N. Stein
Medical correspondent
, D.C.
– After Dick Cheney suffered his fifth heart attack, surgeons took out the useless organ in a groundbreaking 45-minute surgery.
Dock Cheney
 Cheney leaving the hospital
    “It was relatively simple, not much more difficult than an appendectomy,” says Dr. William Hacker, the thoracic surgeon who performed the operation on Feb. 22. “He really hadn't been using it for years.”
    Incredibly, the 69-year-old Republican firebrand and tireless waterboarding advocate was home from George Washington University Hospital a scant two days later.
    “He is showing no ill effects and is already planning his next attack on President Obama,” says Dr. Hacker.
    Cheney is the first person ever known to survive without a heart. Dr. Hacker says that as the former vice president's damaged ticker slowly faltered, his circulatory system converted from blood to bile.
    “By the time we removed his heart, his gall bladder was enlarged and already beating,” says Dr. Hacker. “I’ve never seen anything like it before.”
    But Satanic expert Professor Harry Balz believes there is another explanation.
    “It’s well documented that Cheney is a Devil worshipper, and this is obviously Satan’s work,” he says.
Devil contract
The contract 
    As the Cosmic Chronicle reported in its Nov.15, 2008 issue, Cheney constructed a secret Satanic temple and torture chamber in his residence at the Naval Observatory when he was vice president.
    “Joe Biden stumbled upon it, and he even found a contract Cheney had with a ‘Mr. Lucifer’ signed in blood,” says Balz. “It was for his soul, which explains why he doesn't seem to have one.”

Editor's Note: Please help Haiti
Gary Greenberg, Editor-in=chief
I normally make a rather fruitless bid for funding in this spot. But for the next few months or so, please use some of the money you're not contributing to the Cosmic Chronicleand donate it to one of the organizations that are helping the Haitian people in this time of great need. It's as easy as texting HAITI to 90999 for a $10 contribution to the Red Cross' efforts there.
Gary Greenberg

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