Cosmic Cafe logo

Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 4, Issue 2 -- 03.01.2011
Mummy hits the campaign trail
Middle East unrest raises the dead
By Mohammad Kamal-Humpir
Middle Eastern correspondent
– The explosive civil unrest rocking the Arab world has awakened legions of the undead, threatening to shift the balance of power across the region in frightening ways, warn experts.
Mummies in Tahrir Square
Mummies protesting at Tahrir Square
    “During the uprising in Egypt, mummies were practically jumping out of their tombs,” says University of Cairo archeology professor Omar bin Ban-Daged. “They joined the protests in Tahrir Square because they wanted their long-silenced voices to be heard.”
    Bin Ban-Daged adds that it’s all part of a larger movement of the dearly departed across the globe.
    “The undead have actually been rallying for years,” he explains. “You can see it in the recent resurgence of undead factions like vampires, zombies and Betty White.”
Ever stylish Gaddafi
Stylish despot Gaddafi 
    In Libya, defiant diespot Moammar Gaddafi has been recruiting a spectral force of suicide bombers in his increasingly desperate struggle to retain power while also trying to establish his own fashion line for dictators.
    “He's amassed a terrifying army of Islamic martyrs who are fighting mad after discovering that the promise of being rewarded with 72 virgins in heaven was nothing more than a recruitment ploy,” says bin Ban-Daged. “They should relieve him of the day-to-day pressures of oppression to focus on his new line of clothing.”
      Meantime, a band of ”Egyptian ghouls have already formed a political group called the Undead Brotherhood. They are led by The Mummy, the ageless fiend who skyrocketed to fame playing himself in the title role of the classic 1932 movie and countless remakes.
The Mummy
The Mummy
    “I’ve been typecast!” fumes Mummy, whose real name is Imhotep. “But now I’m ready for a whole new role.”
    In a stunning development, the 4,666-year-old monster has decided to run for the vacated Egyptian presidency.
    “At least there’s no doubt he’s a natural-born citizen,” notes bin Ban-Daged.
    Mummy is running on a “New Kingdom” platform, vowing to restore Egypt to its former glory - but with the Internet and better sewage. He even has a plan on how to deal with Egypt’s runaway unemployment problem.
    “No one will need a job because we’ll have slaves do all the work, like in the good old days,” he says.
    Political experts are divided over Mummy’s chances.
    “He definitely has name recognition,” notes Al-Jazeera pundit Salam al-Salami. “And his soulless nature makes him a perfect political candidate.”
    But others believe Mummy’s past will come back to haunt him. As the Cosmic Chronicle previously reported, the troubled tyrant has bounced in and out of rehab since developing a heartbreaking addiction to adhesive tape.
Adhesive tape
Mummy's curse
    After overdosing in his tomb in 2008, Mummy did a stint at Pharaoh’s Rehabilitation Clinic in Luxor. But a year later he suffered a shocking relapse, assaulting the trainer of a semi-professional soccer team who was taping his players’ ankles before a game.
    That breakdown landed him on the TV hit, Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, who believes Mummy has finally beaten his demons.
    “The Mummy has a clean bill of health and fresh linen,” declares Drew. “He could go a long way if he doesn’t come unwrapped again.”
For past issues of the Cosmic Chronicle, check out the Archive

young living
Essential oils have been helping people since Biblical times. Discover their secrets and learn how we can cure the world, one drop at a time! Click on the logo for more info.

Did you know...
Toxins we absorb from  water, air and food embed themselves in body fat. This causes cells and organs to become sluggish and lose efficiency, leaving us more susceptible to disease!

So what can YOU do about it?

Use Isagenix -- the world's best supplement
Cleanse your body, lose weight and feel great!
For more info, click on the logo
Isagenix logo
The Cosmic Cafe
Reddish Moon Rsing
Our featured artist:
The Cosmic Cafe's house artist, g.HARLAN learned how to do spray paint space art  by watching a guy in Coconut Grove, Fla., doing it. He's since performed at festivals and art fairs throughout South Florida -- and founded the Cosmic Cafe in 1999. 

Click the image above to see
 more of g.HARLAN's work.

Make a friend's day:
Forward him or her or it the link to this issue of the Cosmic Chronicle!

If you want to subscribe, just fill in the form below.



Don't worry -- your e-mail address is totally secure.
I promise to use it only to send you the Cosmic Chronicle.
Be sure to visit the
Cosmic Chronicle Archive

To travel to the Cosmic Cafe's home page,
 hop on the flying saucer!

UFO spinning