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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 3, Issue 6 -- 03.15.2010
Breaking news
New vaccine may cure Toyota’s ills
By Frank M. Bezzler
Business correspondent
Toyota logo

TOKYO, JAPAN – Toyota’s fortunes may finally be on the rise!
    Today, pharmaceutical giant Merck announced the development of a vaccine to cure the mysterious bug that has been causing the troubled automaker's vehicles to suddenly accelerate uncontrollably.

    “This could be the answer to all of Toyota’s ills,” proclaims biomechanical infectious disease expert, Dr. Stanley Beaker. “There’s nothing worse than when your car gets a bad case of the runs.”

    Beaker believes that the Toyotas are infected with an insidious hybrid germ.

    “The culprit appears to be a genetically engineered cross between a Trojan Horse computer virus and Norovirus, which is common on cruise ships and typically makes humans go non-stop as well,” explains Beaker.

    Merck execs are boasting that their new vaccine, Accelerstop, administered over the course of two oil changes, will not only prevent future cases of sudden acceleration in Toyotas but also cure any current infections.

Susan Merck-Johnson
    And an independent panel of Merck employee relatives has determined the vaccine to be 100 percent safe and effective.
    “The vaccine works as advertised,” concluded lead researcher Susan Merck-Johnson. “We recommend inoculating all present and future Toyotas.”
    Side effects are said to be rare but may include intermittant stalling, electrical problems, loss of tire pressure, power steering interruptions, lowered gas mileage, radiator leak and catastrophic engine failure.
    But even if the virus can be rendered harmless by the vaccine, it’s already done immeasurable damage to the world’s leading automaker. And one leading expert believe he knows who developed and planted the insideous bug.

    “Up to this point, Toyota has been blaming itself, but that is clearly not the
Honda virus
First photo of the virus that's infecting Toyotas
case," says famed forensic computer examiner Winston B. Hyman. In fact, there's strong evidence that  Honda is behind it all.”
    Hyman claims to have extracted fluid samples from a wrecked 2008 Camry, and in a world exclusive, shares the first photo ever published of the virus.

    “Toyota’s top engineers have been scratching their heads over this problems for months,” says Hyman.“They’ll stop scratching after they see this!”
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Assassination plot thwarted
Cartoons win one in War on Terror
By James Olsen
Legendary reporter
, PA.
– Almost two years after declaring their own War on Terror, a coalition of cartoon characters scored its first major victory by foiling notorious Jihad Jane and her band of would-be cartoon artist assassins!
vilks cartoon
The controversial cartoon
    The sinister cell of Muslim extremists – led by the American propagandist known as Jihad Jane -- was plotting to kill Swedish cartoonist Lars Vilks for insulting Islam by drawing the Prophet Muhammad Simpson’s head on the body of a dog.
    “It is blasphemy to draw a likeness of the exalted Prophet,” blasts Islamic scholar Ali bin Wanken. “Death is too good for this infidel!”
    But Mickey and Minnie Mouse saved Vilks' life. The two intrepdi rodents overheard Jihad Jane planning the assassination with her pack of cutthroats while working undercover in a Dublin pub and spread the word through the Cartoon Network. Dennis the Menace, Bart Simpson and the South Park gang all joined forces and managed to terrorize the terrorists into submission.
    “This proves yet again that the pen is mightier than the sword,” proclaims the cartoon army’s proud commander, General Bugs Bunny.
Bugs Bunny in World War II
Bugs during WWII
    As the Cosmic Chronicle reported on June 15, 2008, General Bugs, a decorated World War II veteran, rallied the cartoon characters to fight terrorists after the turban-topped fanatics started targeting cartoonists for death – just for making fun of them.
    “Tough crowd,” notes Bugs.
    But heroic efforts to defeat the murderous extremists kept coming up short.
    “I think our biggest mistake was putting Wily E. Coyote in charge of munitions,” admits Bugs.
    Last fall, Yosemite Sam took over for the hapless coyote, vowing to deliver enough firepower to deal with the “carsarn terrorist varmits fer once and fer all!”
    And now, the first cell has fallen! Thanks to the coalition, cartoonists
Jihad Jane
Jihad Jane
everywhere are at least safe from Jihad Jane, whose real name is Colleen LaRose, and her pack of bloodthirsty fiends. LaRose is now behind bars, facing a litany of terrorism-related and obnoxious hairstyle charges after being arrested at Philadelphia International Airport – but Bugs believes the evil blonde can be turned.
    “Let’s face it, she’s already got a cartoon name,” he explains. “All we need to get is someone to draw her.
    “Then, she’ll be one of us!”

Editor's Note: Please help Haiti
Gary Greenberg, Editor-in=chief
I normally make a rather fruitless bid for funding in this spot. But for the next few months or so, please use some of the money you're not contributing to the Cosmic Chronicleand donate it to one of the organizations that are helping the Haitian people in this time of great need. It's as easy as texting HAITI to 90999 for a $10 contribution to the Red Cross' efforts there.
Gary Greenberg

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