Cosmic Chronicle

Evil One goes high tech

The Devil puts profile on Facebook

By Peter Paul Matthews
Religion correspondent
PALO ALTO, CALIF.--In a bold effort to spread his evil influence across the planet, the Devil has posted his profile on the wildly popular social networking website Facebook!

The Devil's Facebook photo

    “The Internet is a wonderful tool for disseminating iniquity,” the Evil One tells the Cosmic Chronicle in an exclusive interview. “Besides being as ubiquitous as You-Know-Who, Internet-propagated lies and innuendo are indiscernible from the truth -- kind of like Fox News. This makes it simple to foster hate, intolerance and good ratings.”
    The Devil’s profile contains a photo and a short bio of the fallen angel along with a list of his many aliases, including Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness, Azazel, Iblis, Angra Mainyu and The Beast.
    “You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay,” he says with a wicked laugh. “Just be sure to call me when you get tired of praying futilely to Mr. High-And- Almighty up there!”
    The Devil has a large circle of friends on Facebook, icons of infamy like terrorist kingpin Osama bin Laden, Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, legendary lunatic

Charles Manson

Charles Manson, the board of directors of Monsanto Corporation and former Vice President Dick Cheney, who, as the Cosmic Chronicle reported in its Nov. 15 issue, had a secret Satanic temple in his official residence at the Naval Observatory while in office.
As interests, the Devil lists war, famine, pestilence, injustice, politics and reality TV.
“The cutthroat reality shows are great because the most ruthless, diabolical and coldhearted schemers tend to win, just like in real life,” he says. “And with my friends at Monsanto, I’ve been dabbling in genetically modified crops. It’s a wonderfully insidious way to spread a new form of pestilence.”

The Devil's ePact

    On his Facebook page, the Devil also posts his famous contract, offering riches on Earth in exchange for eternal souls.
    “You don’t even have to sign in blood anymore,” he notes. “An electronic signature will do. If it’s good enough for my minions at the IRS, it’s good enough for me.”
    The Devil adds that demand for his services is skyrocketing.
    “Business is excellent these days,” he crows. “With a global recession raging, I’m the easiest way to beat the credit crunch!”

Miss Universe pageant shakeup

Alien beauty queen sues Trump

By Sally Stackhouse
Entertainment correspondent
NEW YORK, N.Y.--An alien beauty queen is suing Donald Trump and the Miss Universe organization for prohibiting her from competing in the annual pageant.

Alien beauty Loo-Lunna Extera

    Loo-Lunna Extera, 22, claims that pageant owner Trump is discriminating against non-human life forms by allowing only Earth women to compete for the cherished crown in the competition this August.
    “I believe that the Miss Universe pageant should be open to any female in the universe, or else Mr. Trump should change the name of the pageant,” says the four-eyed bombshell, who hails from the planet Breastopia in the nearby Alpha Centauri star system. “That would be the fairest thing to do. A pageant including all would be inclusive and represent the ideals of fair competition as defined by many, many societies on Earth and, of course, the many, many other, less primitive, societies around the universe.”
    Extera not only sounds just like a human beauty pageant winner but also boasts an eye-popping 44-22-35 figure. She was the runaway winner in the Miss Breastopia pageant on her home world, where breast milk is the primary food for all of its humanoid inhabitants.

Mr. Universe:
Donald Trump

In the talent portion of the competition, the busty brunette shot a double stream of creamy-white breast milk into a glass sitting 1011.03 nipps away (roughly 23 feet) with all of her eyes closed -- and didn’t spill a drop!
“The previous record was 953.21 nipps,” boasts Extera.. “I’d like to see one of Mr. Trump’s Earth girls do that!”
Trump, 62, cited legal reasons in making no comment about the lawsuit. But The Apprentice star did note that if he ever needed the services of a wet nurse as badly as he needs the services of a hair stylist, he’d have two words for Extera:
“You’re hired!”