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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 2, Issue 9 -- 05.01.2009
Prez to speak at galactic summit
Obama picked as leader of the planet
By Ace Sweeny
Intragalactic correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Senior officials of the Milky Way Galaxy’s Federation of Planets have recognized United States President Barack Obama as the leader of Earth and invited him to speak at a galactic summit next week.
Obama and flying saucer
Obama getting the news

    Obama, 47, is the first Earthling ever to be asked to attend an extra-planetary meeting, though rocker David Bowie and pop star Michael Jackson have reportedly both performed concerts on their home worlds.
“It appears as if Earth finally has a leader with a higher purpose than simply conquering other nations and having sex with a variety of females,” says Wakka wan-Wukka, the 567-year-old Grand Master of the Federation’s Supreme Council. “We look forward to meeting this young humanoid and hearing what he has to say about life, the universe and Portuguese water dogs.”
Plans call for Obama to be flown to the gathering on Aynek, an Earth-like planet in the Sirius Star System, in a Federation starship that can streak through space at speeds reaching 4.25 light years per hour.
“With the Sirius system about 8.6 light years from Earth, the flight there should take a shade more than two hours,” notes University of Dusseldorf astrophysicist Dr. Heinrich Mann-Uber. “But because he’ll be traveling much faster than light, the whole trip - speech and all - will take approximately 47.35789 seconds, or about the same amount of time it generally takes Obama to spend $1.2 million of taxpayer money.”
Obama, who the Cosmic Chronicle revealed to be half-alien in its Jan.1 issue, vows to represent all Earthlings at the historic summit.
“We may think of ourselves as black, white, red and extraterrestrial people all living in separate nations, but from space there are no divisions on this blue orb and you realize we are all inhabitants of this fragile world together,” declares the commander-in-chief.
Outraged Republican leaders have responded by vehemently objecting to Obama calling Earth a “blue” orb as well as his decision to attend the galactic summit.
Rep. Eric Cantor
Rep. Eric Cantor
    “There are plenty of reddish-brown spots on Earth that the President chose to ignore, like Texas and Oklahoma and most of the South,” House minority whip Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) points out. “And there are plenty of problems in the USA he should be trying to solve over our objections instead of traipsing across the galaxy to talk to a bunch of little green men.”
But Obama sounds undaunted by the criticism.
Proclaims the President:  “I wouldn’t miss this opportunity for the world -- any world.”
aHarmony makes debut
Online matchmaker taps alien market
By Seymour Weiner
Lifestyles correspondent
PASADENA, CALIF.--Internet match-making giant eHarmony has launched a new website catering to lonely aliens!
The site, called aHarmony, offers relationship services to the thousands of extraterrestrials clandestinely living on Earth, most of them involved with research projects and/or plots to take over the planet.
“There are a lot of unattached aliens living amongst us, and it’s exceedingly hard for them to connect,” says eHarmony founder Dr. Neil Clark Warren.
Dr. Neil Clark Warren
Dr. Neil Clark Warren

But now, Warren adds, these visitors from far-flung worlds can find lasting love through aHarmony’s patented Alien Natural Unification System [ANUS].
“One look at a client’s ANUS is all it takes for us to find a perfect match,” crows Warren, who is rumored to be an alien himself with antennae that only other aliens and very progressive humans can see.
Like eHarmony, aHarmony requires participants to fill out a questionnaire to determine compatibility.
Sample questions include:
I have: a) brown eyes; b) blue eyes; c) green eyes; d) black eyes; e) three eyes
    Finding a partner of the same species is: a) imperative; b) very important; c) important; d) not important; e) irrelevant so long as I can mate with it
My ideal partner has: a) beauty; b) intelligence; c) personality; d) super powers; e) tentacles.
The questionnaire focuses more on sexual compatibility  than its sister site, eHarmony, because of the wide variety of reproductive methods aliens practice.
Lonely alien
Looking for love
    “Some of these species never mate while others never stop, kind of like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie,” explains Warren.
    Since the aliens must remain undetected while on Earth, security is also a vital issue.
    “Imagine what would happen if the Men in Black could hack our system,” says Warren, who adds that having an alien matchmaking service also benefits humans.
“As you may imagine, an alien in love would be less likely to wreak havoc on Earth than a sexually frustrated one.
    “So if you’re an alien looking for love, submit your ANUS to us and you’ll soon be on your way to a romance that’s truly out of this world!”

Editor's Note:
Gary Greenberg, Editor-in=chief
I hope you enjoy reading the Cosmic Chronicle as much as my staff of the finest news correspondents in the universe and I enjoy bringing it to you. Our reward is giving you a laugh or two in these trying times, but if you would like to contribute something more marketable -- like money, gold or Federation credits -- to help support this invaluable source of information you'll find nowhere else, we'd gladly accept it. Donations, which are tax-deductable on several planets (check your own world's tax policies for eligibility), can be made through PayPal or by check. For PayPal donations, click here and remit to:
Checks or money orders can be made out to SuperWriter, Inc. and mailed to: SuperWriter, Inc., 398 Pine Circle, Boca Raton, FL 33432, USA, Planet Earth.
Thanks for your support,
Gary Greenberg

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