|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 2, Issue 9 -- 05.01.2009|
Prez to speak at galactic summit
Obama picked as leader of the planetBy Ace Sweeny
Obama, 47, is the first Earthling ever to be asked to attend an extra-planetary meeting, though rocker David Bowie and pop star Michael Jackson have reportedly both performed concerts on their home worlds.
“It appears as if Earth finally has a leader with a higher purpose than simply conquering other nations and having sex with a variety of females,” says Wakka wan-Wukka, the 567-year-old Grand Master of the Federation’s Supreme Council. “We look forward to meeting this young humanoid and hearing what he has to say about life, the universe and Portuguese water dogs.”
Plans call for Obama to be flown to the gathering on Aynek, an Earth-like planet in the Sirius Star System, in a Federation starship that can streak through space at speeds reaching 4.25 light years per hour.
“With the Sirius system about 8.6 light years from Earth, the flight there should take a shade more than two hours,” notes
Obama, who the Cosmic Chronicle revealed to be half-alien in its Jan.1 issue, vows to represent all Earthlings at the historic summit.
“We may think of ourselves as black, white, red and extraterrestrial people all living in separate nations, but from space there are no divisions on this blue orb and you realize we are all inhabitants of this fragile world together,” declares the commander-in-chief.
Outraged Republican leaders have responded by vehemently objecting to Obama calling Earth a “blue” orb as well as his decision to attend the galactic summit.
But Obama sounds undaunted by the criticism.
Proclaims the President: “I wouldn’t miss this opportunity for the world -- any world.”
aHarmony makes debut
Online matchmaker taps alien marketBy
The site, called aHarmony, offers relationship services to the thousands of extraterrestrials clandestinely living on Earth, most of them involved with research projects and/or plots to take over the planet.
“There are a lot of unattached aliens living amongst us, and it’s exceedingly hard for them to connect,” says eHarmony founder Dr. Neil Clark Warren.
“One look at a client’s ANUS is all it takes for us to find a perfect match,” crows
Like eHarmony, aHarmony requires participants to fill out a questionnaire to determine compatibility.
Sample questions include:
I have: a) brown eyes; b) blue eyes; c) green eyes; d) black eyes; e) three eyes
Finding a partner of the same species is: a) imperative; b) very important; c) important; d) not important; e) irrelevant so long as I can mate with it
My ideal partner has: a) beauty; b) intelligence; c) personality; d) super powers; e) tentacles.
Since the aliens must remain undetected while on Earth, security is also a vital issue.
“Imagine what would happen if the Men in Black could hack our system,” says
“As you may imagine, an alien in love would be less likely to wreak havoc on Earth than a sexually frustrated one.
“So if you’re an alien looking for love, submit your ANUS to us and you’ll soon be on your way to a romance that’s truly out of this world!”
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