|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 2, Issue 14 -- 07.15.2009|
GOP accuses Cupid of meddlingBy Jack Slack
In recent weeks, rising GOP star Sen. John Ensign of
Both men, married with children and staunch proponents of family values, were considered top prospects for the 2012 GOP presidential nomination until being exposed as lust-crazed adulterers.
In fact, as our exclusive photo shows, the cherubic god of erotic love was indeed caught on camera stalking
And he’s unapologetic about targeting the conservative Christian politicians.
“Actually, I’m a right-winger too,” Cupid says with a playful flap of that wing. “But I do love exposing these self-righteous hypocrites for what they really are.”
“C’mon, tell me one politician who never broke a promise,” Ensign said in his defense before confessing to three previous affairs with his wife's sisters, two “quasi-homosexual” encounters in a Reno bus depot bathroom as well as a “misunderstood” incident with a lama at a petting zoo.
Meanwhile, the not-so-honorable Gov. Sanford, who once labeled President
“This was a whole lot more than a simple affair, this was a love story,” gushed
"And love means never having to say you’re sorry. So I'm not. But I do hope to fall in love with my wife again if it will convicne the idiots who voted for me in the first place to vote for me again."
Says Cupid: “What jerks! I haven’t had so much fun since nailing those Bible- thumping, floozy-humping TV preachers Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert in the 1980s.”
Michael Jackson updates
Jacko alien autopsy spawns lawsuit
By Annie Matter
As we reported in our July 1, 2009 issue,
“Unfortunately, the youngster bought a used chamber from the Ferengi, a race of merchants known to be the biggest shysters in the galaxy,” explains extra- terrestrial personal injury attorney E.Z. Pickings. “Repeated use through the years pretty much wiped out Michael’s consciousness – which is why his career went straight into the toilet after the HIStory album.”
"That chamber had been recalled, but the Ferangi decided to dump it off on the first sucker they could find, and that turned out to be the alien inside of Michael," says Pickings, who has agreed to represent the
New Jacko OD vaccine gets OKedBy
WHITEHOUSE STATION, N.J. -- After three days of vigorous testing, the government's Food and Drug Administration has declared that a new vaccine to fight Michael Jackson Overdose Syndrome is safe and effective!
And it looks like they have another winner.
“The government has already ordered 100 million doses of Jacko-NO,” says the Centers for Disease Prevention and Control spokesman Milton Phlegm. “It’s not a moment too soon. Deaths from MJOS have already surpassed the swine flu – and there is no end in sight.”
According to the exhaustive three-day clinical trials, which was conducted by the Wink,Wink Independent Research Group and funded by the Merck Foundation for Fair and Balanced Medical Testing, the vaccine works by inducing antibodies to attack invasive electronic stimuli bearing a unique Michael Jackson marker.
“People still see and hear the multimedia bombardment of news about
She adds that the side effects were generally mild and included a darkening of the skin, moderate nose growth, an aversion to children and a sudden inability to dance. But everyone taking the vaccine is warned to stay at least 1,000 feet away from power lines.
“The side effects appear to be temporary, though with just three days of testing there’s really no way to tell,” says Phlegm.
"We believe that's what happened to his sister La Toya.”
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