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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 2, Issue 14 -- 07.15.2009
Republican outrage
GOP accuses Cupid of meddling
By Jack Slack
Political correspondent

, D.C.
-- Republican party leaders are blasting Cupid for unfairly depleting the ranks of potential presidential contenders by causing them to engage in embarrassing extramarital affairs!
    In recent weeks, rising GOP star Sen. John Ensign of Nevada admitted to sleeping with a campaign staffer who was also one of his wife’s best friends, and South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford was caught canoodling with his sexy Latina lover in Argentina.

    Both men, married with children and staunch proponents of family values, were considered top prospects for the 2012 GOP presidential nomination until being exposed as lust-crazed adulterers.

Cupid stalking Sanford
Cupid stalking Sanford (and son)
    “If this keeps up, we’re going to have no one but a Morman [Mitt Romney] and that nutcase Sarah Palin left to run in 2012,” moans beleaguered Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele. “I smell the work of Cupid here. He’s obviously a lunatic left- winger and trying to rig the next election against us.”
    In fact, as our exclusive photo shows, the cherubic god of erotic love was indeed caught on camera stalking Sanford during a parade in Dipsheet, S.C.
    And he’s unapologetic about targeting the conservative Christian politicians.

    “Actually, I’m a right-winger too,” Cupid says with a playful flap of that wing. “But I do love exposing these self-righteous hypocrites for what they really are.”

Se. John Ensign
No halo: Ensign
    Ensign, 51, was a member of the Promise Keepers, a Christian group that promotes marital fidelity. But he shattered that vow by carrying on an 18-month-long affair with Cindy Hampton, 46, a high school friend of his wife's and married to a former top aide and onetime golfing buddy.
    “C’mon, tell me one politician who never broke a promise,” Ensign said in his defense before confessing to three previous affairs with his wife's sisters, two “quasi-homosexual” encounters in a Reno bus depot bathroom as well as a “misunderstood” incident with a lama at a petting zoo.

    Meanwhile, the not-so-honorable Gov. Sanford, who once labeled President
Gov. Mark Sanford
Sad day: Sanford
Bill Clinton “reprehensible” for his Oval Office dalliances with White House intern Monica Lewinsky, sounded more love-stuck than remorseful during his tearful confession about his tortured romance with raven-haired TV journalist María Belén Chapur.
    “This was a whole lot more than a simple affair, this was a love story,” gushed a weepy-eyed Sanford. “A forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end of the day.
    "And love means never having to say you’re sorry. So I'm not. But I do hope to fall in love with my wife again if it will convicne the idiots who voted for me in the first place to vote for me again."

    Says Cupid: “What jerks! 
I haven’t had so much fun since nailing those Bible- thumping, floozy-humping TV preachers Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert in the 1980s.”  
Michael Jackson updates
Jacko alien autopsy spawns lawsuit
By Annie Matter
Galactic Correspondent

LOS ANGELES, CALIF. – Tragic pop icon Michael Jackson’s body vanished without a trace shortly after his star-studded memorial service at Tinsletown's Staples Center  – and now the Cosmic Chronicle can reveal that it was abducted by aliens to perform an autopsy!
    As we reported in our July 1, 2009 issue, Jackson, died when the young alien inhabiting his body suddenly left after completing a 50-year school project about the detrimental effect of pop music on the mind of developing species.
Jacko's oxygen chamber
The faulty hyperbaric oxygen chamber
    In a stunning turn of events, the alien medical examiners found that Jackson had actually been brain dead since 1995, after using a defective hyper- baric oxygen chamber. The alien entity inhabiting the music legend had obtained the device in a failed effort to relieve discomfort from being stuck in Jackson’s skin.
    “Unfortunately, the youngster bought a used chamber from the Ferengi, a race of merchants known to be the biggest shysters in the galaxy,” explains extra- terrestrial personal injury attorney E.Z. Pickings. “Repeated use through the years pretty much wiped out Michael’s consciousness – which is why his career went straight into the toilet after the HIStory album.”
Shysters? A trio of Ferengi
    The alien autopsy confirmed that Jackson suffered from a chronic lack of oxygen. And tests on the HYPERbaric chamber showed that it was really HYPObaric, meaning instead of forcing oxygen into Michael’s system, the faulty device pulled it out.
    "That chamber had been recalled, but the Ferangi decided to dump it off on the first sucker they could find, and that turned out to be the alien inside of Michael," says Pickings, who has agreed to represent the Jackson family in a blockbuster Federation civil suit. "It's a real tragedy -- at least until we get the settlement!"

 New Jacko OD vaccine gets OKed
By Misti Lane
Pharmaceutical correspondent
WHITEHOUSE STATION, N.J. -- After three days of vigorous testing, the government's Food and Drug Administration has declared that a new vaccine to fight Michael Jackson Overdose Syndrome is safe and effective!
Jacko-NO vaccine
New Vaccine
    The vaccine – called Jacko-NO -- was developed by the pharmaceutical giant Merck & Co., which specializes in rushing unnecessary vaccines to the market despite potentially deadly side effects.
    And it looks like they have another winner.
    “The government has already ordered 100 million doses of Jacko-NO,” says the Centers for Disease Prevention and Control spokesman Milton Phlegm. “It’s not a moment too soon. Deaths from MJOS have already surpassed the swine flu – and there is no end in sight.”
    According to the exhaustive three-day clinical trials, which was conducted by the Wink,Wink Independent Research Group and funded by the Merck Foundation for Fair and Balanced Medical Testing, the vaccine works by inducing antibodies to attack invasive electronic stimuli bearing a unique Michael Jackson marker.
    “People still see and hear the multimedia bombardment of news about Jackson’s life and death, but it just doesn’t register,” explains Merck's genius  director of marketing Monica Moonie.
    She adds that the side effects were generally mild and included a darkening of the skin, moderate nose growth, an aversion to children and a sudden inability to dance. But everyone taking the vaccine is warned to stay at least 1,000 feet away from power lines.
    “The side effects appear to be temporary, though with just three days of testing there’s really no way to tell,” says Phlegm.
La Toya Jackson
La Toya
Michael Jackson
“But we do know that the energy in power lines can reverse the effects of the vaccine and actually amplify the syndrome, mutating genes and transforming the subject into what could be best described as a Michael Jackson clone.
    "We believe that's what happened to his sister La Toya.”  

Editor's Note:
Gary Greenberg, Editor-in=chief
I hope you enjoy reading the Cosmic Chronicle as much as my staff of the finest news correspondents in the universe and I enjoy bringing it to you. Our reward is giving you a laugh or two in these trying times, but if you would like to contribute something more marketable -- like money, gold or Federation credits -- to help support this invaluable source of information you'll find nowhere else, we'd gladly accept it. Donations, which are tax-deductable on several planets (check your own world's tax policies for eligibility), can be made through PayPal or by check. For PayPal donations, click here and remit to:
Checks or money orders can be made out to SuperWriter, Inc. and mailed to: SuperWriter, Inc., 398 Pine Circle, Boca Raton, FL 33432, USA, Planet Earth.
Thanks for your support,
Gary Greenberg

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