|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 2, Issue 16 -- 08.15.2009|
Frankenstein named as MonsantoBy Chuck Ponzi
spokesman for new line of GMOs
“We’re pleased to have this icon of bioengineering onboard,” proclaims Monsanto director of public relaations P.J. Goebbels III. “Considering that our genetically modified organisms have informally come to be known as ‘franken-foods,’ we believe this to be a perfect fit.”
“Aaahhh-aaahhh,” he said. “Aaaaaahhhhhh.”
When asked why Monsanto chose a spokesman who can only grunt, Goebbels replied: “He may not be the most eloquent speaker around, but he represents everything our company stands for -- fear, destruction, domination, aberrancy -- and besides all that, he’s green, like money.”
But the Frankenstein campaign will focus on Monsanto’s ever-expanding line of GMOs, which now include blue oranges, bruise-proof bananas and grapes that grow in their own plastic wrappings.
“Meantime, grapes growing their own packaging will save on costs, which we’ll pass on to all of our consumers -- or at least those who buy our stock.”
“We also plan to bring back red pistachio nuts, but without the dye that rubs off on your fingers,” says Goebbels. “It may not be nice to fool Mother Nature, but it is very profitable!”
Adds Frankenstein: "Uuuuhhhhh. Aaaaahhhhhh!"
You read it here first!
Obama is no ‘natural born’By Jack Slack
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The controversy over the real birthplace of President Barack Obama has hit a crescendo pitch in recent weeks -- but readers of the Cosmic Chronicle have known the truth for months!
Major mass media outfits have finally begun reporting about a growing number of “birthers,” that is people who don’t believe Obama is a natural born U.S. citizen or that the world is round. They say the Certificate of Live Birth from
But the Cosmic Chronicle reported the shocking real story way back in our Jan.1, 2009 issue when we revealed that Obama’s father was an alien -- from outer space!
And now, famed UFOlogist Morton P. Snodgrass confirms that Obama wasn’t even born in the common sense of the word but actually developed in a hybrid pod that burst open on Aug. 4, 1961.
“Obama can’t produce his official birth certificate because he wasn’t born in any hospital and his mother was probably too ashamed to admit the truth,” explains
“But in any case, to call him ‘natural born’ in a human sense is a stretch.”
So once again, the Cosmic Chronicle proves it’s the place to read all the news you won’t find anywhere else -- and you’ll read it here first!
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