Cosmic Chronicle

Frankenstein named as Monsanto
spokesman for new line of GMOs

By Chuck Ponzi
Business correspondent

ST. LOUIS, MO. – In a bold campaign to promote its most ambitious environmental nightmare to date, agriculture biotech giant Monsanto has named Frankenstein to serve as spokesman for its new line of genetically modified food products.
“We’re pleased to have this icon of bioengineering onboard,” proclaims Monsanto director of public relaations P.J. Goebbels III. “Considering that our genetically modified organisms have informally come to be known as ‘franken-foods,’ we believe this to be a perfect fit.”

Frankenstein

    Frankenstein, the famed 191-year-old monster, munched some boysenstrawberries as he was introduced to a crowd of reporters, photographers and pitchfork-wielding peasants at Monsanto’s home base in St. Louis.
    “Aaahhh-aaahhh,” he said. “Aaaaaahhhhhh.”
    When asked why Monsanto chose a spokesman who can only grunt, Goebbels replied: “He may not be the most eloquent speaker around, but he represents everything our company stands for -- fear, destruction, domination, aberrancy -- and besides all that, he’s green, like money.”

Electric-blue oranges

Along with genetically modified organisms [GMOs], Monsanto is a leading producer of carcinogenic products including pesticides, herbicides, bovine growth hormone and Washington lobbyists.
But the Frankenstein campaign will focus on Monsanto’s ever-expanding line of GMOs, which now include blue oranges, bruise-proof bananas and grapes that grow in their own plastic wrappings.

Bruise-proof banana

“Kids are more likely to drink OJ if it’s electric-blue rather than boring orange,” says Goebbels, great- grandson of the infamous Nazi propaganda chief. “And just a couple of Hercules beetle genes are all you need to toughen up banana peels.
“Meantime, grapes growing their own packaging will save on costs, which we’ll pass on to all of our consumers -- or at least those who buy our stock.”

Pre-packaged grapes

    Other products in development include baking potatoes with aluminum foil skin, no cry onions, wax-coated cucumbers and peppers, and waterproof grains for making cereal that doesn’t get soggy in milk.
    “We also plan to bring back red pistachio nuts, but without the dye that rubs off on your fingers,” says Goebbels. “It may not be nice to fool Mother Nature, but it is very profitable!”
    Adds Frankenstein: "Uuuuhhhhh. Aaaaahhhhhh!"

You read it here first!

Obama is no ‘natural born’ citizen

By Jack Slack
Political correspondent

Barack Obama

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The controversy over the real birthplace of President Barack Obama has hit a crescendo pitch in recent weeks -- but readers of the Cosmic Chronicle have known the truth for months!
Major mass media outfits have finally begun reporting about a growing number of “birthers,” that is people who don’t believe Obama is a natural born U.S. citizen or that the world is round. They say the Certificate of Live Birth from Hawaiithat Obama offered as proof of his natural born citizenship -- and thus his eligibility to be president -- is a fake and that he should resign immediately, even if it means making Joe Biden president.

Obama's dad

But the Cosmic Chronicle reported the shocking real story way back in our Jan.1, 2009 issue when we revealed that Obama’s father was an alien -- from outer space!

And now, famed UFOlogist Morton P. Snodgrass confirms that Obama wasn’t even born in the common sense of the word but actually developed in a hybrid pod that burst open on Aug. 4, 1961.

“Obama can’t produce his official birth certificate because he wasn’t born in any hospital and his mother was probably too ashamed to admit the truth,” explains

Snodgrass

Snodgrass. “The question that remains is, ‘Where was the pod when it opened?’ If it was in Hawaii, then he was born on U.S. soil.

“But in any case, to call him ‘natural born’ in a human sense is a stretch.”

So once again, the Cosmic Chronicle proves it’s the place to read all the news you won’t find anywhere else -- and you’ll read it here first!

Editor's Note:

I hope you enjoy reading the Cosmic Chronicle as much as my staff of the finest news correspondents in the universe and I enjoy bringing it to you. Our reward is giving you a laugh or two in these trying times, but if you would like to contribute something more marketable -- like money, gold or Federation credits -- to help support this invaluable source of information you'll find nowhere else, we'd gladly accept it. Donations, which are tax-deductable on several planets (check your own world's tax policies for eligibility), can be made through PayPal or by check. For PayPal donations, click here and remit to: gary@cosmiccafe.com.

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Thanks for your support,
Gary Greenberg
Editor-in-chief

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