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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 2, Issue 19 -- 10.01.2009
Epidemic sweeping America
‘Rude’ flu strain is spreading fast
By Dr. Frank N. Stein
Medical correspondent
, GA.
– A virulent new flu strain that turns people rude is quickly reaching epidemic proportions, warn concerned officials at the government's Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Rude flu virus
Close-up of the rude flu virus
    “Word is already spreading of the so-called ‘rude’ flu,” says CDC infectious disease expert Dr. Theodore Snott. “We believe it mutated from a swine flu virus in a hot tub at a swingers’ club in Topeka, Kansas, around the same time the health care issue heated up.
    “It was spread around at town hall meetings – then in swingers’ clubs following town hall meetings across the nation.”
    Like cancer, venereal disease and social conservatism, the affliction cuts through all social strata.
    The recent rash of manner meltdowns by celebrities like rapper Kanye West, tennis pro Serena Williams and Congressional Rep. Joe Wilson, R–S.C., have stunned the world -- but scientists are blaming the bad behavior on a socially- crippling outbreak of the newly discovered FU2 flu bug.
    Millions of Americans watched stunned as flu-stricken Serena Williams 
Serena meltdown
Serena makes threat with her racquet 
reacted to a simple foot foul call at the U.S. Open by threatening to shove a %$#@ing tennis ball down a line judge’s throat.
    When contacted by the Cosmic Chronicle, Williams said: “Keep talking and we’ll see how far I can shove my %$#@- ing tennis racquet up your butt!”
    In the same tournament, normally stoic Swiss superstar Roger Federer also cursed at an official, sending shockwaves through the stadium.
    “Roger doesn’t normally even sweat during a match, so you know something was terribly wrong, you stupid %$#@ing idiot!” explains TV tennis analyst John McEnroe, who apparently caught a similar bug 30 years ago and never recovered.
Rep. Joe Wilson
Rep. Joe Wilson
     Meanwhile, Rep. Joe Wilson shattered the decorum in the U.S. Capitol by shouting “You lie!” at Barack Obama during the president’s health care speech to a joint session of Congress. And at the recent Music Video Awards, Kanye West boorishly grabbed the microphone from 19-year-old singer Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech to declare that HE should have won the award for Best Female Video.
    “They just prejudiced against black men,” declared West, who was wearing a pink bow in his hair.
    Notes Snott: “Even though Rep. Wilson was elected from the same state that sent legendary bigot Strom Thurman to Senate for nearly 48 years, his behavior was still way out of line.
Kanye West
Kanye grabs mike from Taylor
Kanye, on the other hand, seems to be chronically stricken with FU2.”
    Of course, drug companies are now racing to develop a FU2 vaccine, which sources say is like winning the lottery in the pharmaceutical industry.
    “We love it when a new flu strain erupts,” confesses Joe Lyon, spokesman for swine flu vaccine developer Novavax. “The U.S. government alone has already ordered 195 million doses of the H1N1 vaccine at up to $20 a pop. You do the math.”
    But Dr. Snott doubts a rude flu vaccine will sell as well.
“First off, there are no debilitating flu symptoms like fever, cough, diarrhea and death,” he says. “Besides, the symptoms tend to go away when treated with several already established -- and more fun -- drugs, particularly Quaaludes.”

History is made!
Space alien finally speaks to U.N.
By Annie Matter
Interplanetary correspondent
, N.Y.
– History was made at the United Nations when an alien from outer space spoke to the General Assembly on Sept. 26!
Gadhafi at the UN
The alien entity speaking at the U.N.
    “Most of the U.N. delegates and public believe the speaker was Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi, but as you can clearly see by photos, this is not a human creature,” says alien expert Dr. Han Klaatu, professor of extraterrestrial studies at the University of Roswell in New Mexico. “We believe the being is actually from a planet called Sanitoria in the Sirius Star System.”
    Klaatu points out that the entity was obviously wearing an ill-fitting human disguise with an unnatural waxy complexion and facial hair that appeared to be drawn on with a black Sharpie marker. Furthermore, it had no sense of human logic as its rambling 96-minute speech made absolutely no sense at all.
Gaddafi at the UN
'Gaddafi' with marker-drawn moustache tears up Charter
During the speech, ‘Gaddafi’ tore up a copy of the U.N. charter, accused security council members of being terrorists, called for the destruction of the planet, ordered out for pizza and held its breath until its face turned blue.
    “Sanitorians are notorious from sending to other planets ill-trained agents who are ignorant of local customs and protocol,” explains Klaatu. “Obviously, this entity didn’t do its homework.
    “I suspect this is either a renegade agent or possibly just an outcast that’s been exiled to Earth.
    “Nevertheless, this is the first alien entity to address a world body. Although we could have done better,  it’s still a historic occasion!”

You read it here first!
Jacko craved to have kids at grave
    BOCA RATON, FLA. -- The bombshell news that Michael Jackson wanted to be surrounded by the spirits of dead children was revealed on Sept. 24 when the late pop star’s good pal Rabbi Shmuley Boteach released audio tapes he made of Jackson nine years ago.
Cosmic Chronicle
The Cosmic Cafe's Sept. 15 issue
    “I want to be buried right where there are children,” Jackson says on the tapes. “I would feel safer that way. I want them next to me. I need their spirit.”
    The story made headlines around the world, but it was old news to Cosmic Chronicle readers.
    They found out about Jackson’s posthumous wish in our Sept.15 issue.
    More than one week before notorious publicity hound Rabbi Boteach released snippets of the tapes in conjunction with the publication of his new book, The Michael Jackson Tapes, we reported that some of Jacko’s celebrity neighbors in The Great Mausoleum at Forest Lawn Cemetery were upset that he’s been entertaining an endless stream of dead children’s spirits in his crypt.
    “Frankly, I don’t give a damn how big a star he was,” blasted Great Mausoleum resident Clark Gable. “He’s still a freak.”
    So once again, the Cosmic Chronicle scoops the competition and proves it remains the only paper to read for all the news you won't find anywhere else!

Editor's Note:
Gary Greenberg, Editor-in=chief
I hope you enjoy reading the Cosmic Chronicle as much as my staff of the finest news correspondents in the universe and I enjoy bringing it to you. Our reward is giving you a laugh or two in these trying times, but if you would like to contribute something more marketable -- like money, gold or Federation credits -- to help support this invaluable source of information you'll find nowhere else, we'd gladly accept it. Donations, which are tax-deductible on several planets (check your own world's tax policies for eligibility), can be made through PayPal or by check. For PayPal donations, click here and remit to:
Checks or money orders can be made out to SuperWriter, Inc. and mailed to: SuperWriter, Inc., 398 Pine Circle, Boca Raton, FL 33432, USA, Planet Earth.
Thanks for your support,
Gary Greenberg

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