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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 2, Issue 18 -- 09.15.2009
Trouble in paradise
Jacko’s crypt neighbors up in arms
By Krystal Ball
Staff channel

Jackson at funeral
Jackson arriving at Forest Lawn
    GLENDALE, CALIF. – Nearly three months after his shocking death, Michael Jackson has finally been laid to rest in an exclusive mausoleum – but he won’t rest in peace if his new neighbors, Clark Gable, Jean Harlow and W.C. Fields, have their way!
    The Tinseltown legends are longtime residents of the posh Holly Terrace section of the Great Mausoleum at famed Forest Lawn Cemetery, and they are outraged that newcomer Jackson has been entertaining an endless stream of dead children in his crypt.

Gable and Harlow
Gable and Harlow
“Frankly, I don’t give a damn how big a star he was,” blasts Gable. “He’s still a freak.”
    Blond bombshell Harlow adds: “It’s every girl’s dream to spend eternity with Clark. And Bill Fields is always good for a laugh and some hooch. But Michael’s only interested in hanging out with kid ghosts and I find that very weird.”

    And Fields, whose disdain for children is legendary, seems the most upset.

    “Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad,” he says. “But this upstart impresario Jackson loves both. It’s disgusting!”

    According to the late actors and other residents of the posh posthumous community,
W.C. Fields
W.C. Fields being tormented by a couple of Jacko's young pals
Jackson has invited the spirits of dead children from around the world to visit -- and even sleep with him in his gold-plated coffin.
    “The most loving thing to do is to share your coffin with someone,” says Jackson, who tragically died on June 25 after the alien inhabiting his body abruptly left [see July 1 Cosmic Chronicle].
    Gable, Harlow and Fields have all lodged complaints with the Deceased Screen Actor’s Guild as well as the Forest Lawn Mausoleum Owners’ Association over Jackson’s actions. And they are demanding nothing less than eviction.
    “This place is beginning to seem like Disneyland,” grouses Fields. “To tell the truth, I’d rather be in Philadelphia!”

More kids for Nadya?
Octomom wants Jon & Kate’s 8
By Richard Head
Entertainment correspondent

Octomom Nadya Suleman
Octomom Nadya 
    LA HABRA, CALIF. – As TV reality stars Jon and Kate Gosselin’s explosive split drives the once happy couple farther and farther apart, notorious child-hoarder Nadya Suleman is trying to get custody of their kids!
    Nadya, the so-called Octomom who remarkably gave birth last January to a record eight babies in a bold bid for fame and fortune, filed a petition in a California court stating that she is better equipped to take care of Jon and Kate’s budding brood of reality stars.

    “My octuplets already have a six-figure showbiz contract,” boasts Nadya,  “Can Jon and Kate say that?”

Jon and Kate Gosselin
Jon and Kate Gosselin
    Along with her 9-month-old octuplets, unwed Nadya -- who some religious experts believe to be a 21st Century Virgin Mary [See March 15 Cosmic Chronicle] -- has six other children by various sperm donors. Adding Jon and Kate’s eight would bring the grand total to 22.
    And that may be a tight squeeze in the four-bedroom, three-bath house reportedly bought for her by the celebrity website Radar Online in exchange for seven months of exclusive filming rights.

    “The more the merrier,” Nadya says about the potential family expansion. “And I might even get Radar Online to buy me a bigger house!”

    In her court petition, Nadya claims that the adult stars of Jon & Kate Plus 8 are too wrapped up with extramarital lovers and talk show interviews to raise their kids right.

Dr. Octavius
Octavius takes four of the octuplets for a train ride
    “Those children don’t stand a chance of getting any kind of endorsement deal after the deplorable behavior of their parents,” blasts Nadya.
    Meanwhile, she points out she has been in a steady relationship for a personal record of five months – to Spider-Man’s multi-limbed arch-enemy, Dr. Otto Octavius.

    “Otto may be an evil lunatic bent on conquering Earth, but with all those tentacles he’s also a heck of a babysitter,” she says. “And the kids just love to watch him blow things up.”

Editor's Note:
Gary Greenberg, Editor-in=chief
I hope you enjoy reading the Cosmic Chronicle as much as my staff of the finest news correspondents in the universe and I enjoy bringing it to you. Our reward is giving you a laugh or two in these trying times, but if you would like to contribute something more marketable -- like money, gold or Federation credits -- to help support this invaluable source of information you'll find nowhere else, we'd gladly accept it. Donations, which are tax-deductible on several planets (check your own world's tax policies for eligibility), can be made through PayPal or by check. For PayPal donations, click here and remit to:
Checks or money orders can be made out to SuperWriter, Inc. and mailed to: SuperWriter, Inc., 398 Pine Circle, Boca Raton, FL 33432, USA, Planet Earth.
Thanks for your support,
Gary Greenberg

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