|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 2, Issue 21 -- 11.01.2009|
‘Who’re ya gonna call?’
Space station is haunted by a ghostBy Jim McNutt
NASA Bureau Chief
That’s the shocking news coming out of NASA after a series of strange things started happening on the orbiting laboratory.
And a stunning photo in which the bug-eyed face of a frightening apparition appears outside an ISS porthole seems to confirm the improbable to be true.
Officials believe a mischievous ghost -- which is said to resemble the late comedian Rodney Dangerfield -- stowed away aboard the Russian Soyuz flight to the ISS last month and has been wreaking havoc ever since.
“A lot of inexplicable things have been happening since Soyuz docked with the ISS on Oct. 2,” reveals a space agency insider. “Within minutes of the hook-up, gyroscopes that help maintain equilibrium went haywire causing the ISS to do two loop-de-loops before stabilizing.
The astronauts also reported hearing eerie peals of laughter, with a few one-liners about respect thrown in.
“At first we thought it was that Cirque du Soleil clown, so we shoved his stupid red nose down his throat,” says says station resident Frank De Winne, referring to billionaire space tourist Guy Laliberte.
“But even after Guy left weird stuff kept happening.”
Things that were anchored down were found drifting around the station, including a pair of fur-lined handcuffs that none of the astronauts claimed.
Experiments also went askew. In one, stem cells grew into tree branches instead of spinal tissue. And the newly installed Colbert Treadmill and zero-gravity toilet both started running backwards.
“The treadmill was no big thing since, like treadmills in homes on Earth, no one really uses it,” says De Winne, an astronaut from
NASA officials are now discussing ways to get rid of the pesky apparition.
“It’s difficult because we have no contingency plans for ghost extractions,” says the NASA insider. “I mean, who’re ya gonna call?”
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Octomom trolling for more kidsBy Donnie Dingleberry
Reality TV correspondent
This may come as a surprise to many people, but it shouldn't shock Cosmic Chronicle readers.
In our Sept. 15 issue, we broke the news about how Suleman had her sights set on Jon and Kate's kids.
Back then, she had petitioned a court to gain custody by claiming that the estranged reality stars weren’t taking full advantage of their children’s economic potential.
But now the plucky Octomom has apparently decided to take a more direct approach,.
“When Nadya found out how much the lawyers would cost for the custody battle she figured she could save herself a fortune by using her feminine wiles – or at least by dangling a potential cash cow in front of Jon’s nose,” explains reality TV consultant Peter Shlong.
Suleman, the mom of 14, including her famed 11-month-old octuplets, made her play for Jon through her standard mode of communication tool, the tabloid press.
“I think Jon is really hot,” the 33-year-old brunette mused one day, knowing full well her words would make eye-popping headlines in supermarket checkout stands from
“The truth is it’s a match made in TV reality heaven,” says Shlong. “I predict their new show will be a smash hit in the prize demographic group of 18- to 38-year-olds with IQs of 93 or less.”
But there is one big problem looming - Nadya’s current beau Dr. Otto Octavius.
As the Cosmic Chronicle reported in its May 15 issue, Nadya and Octavius -- best known as one of Spider-Man’s most diabolical arch-enemies -- have been dating since meeting on the set of the Today show last spring. And the multi-limbed madman isn’t taking the breakup well.
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