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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 2, Issue 21 -- 11.01.2009
‘Who’re ya gonna call?’
Space station is haunted by a ghost
By Jim McNutt
NASA Bureau Chief

CAPE CANAVERAL, FLA. – The International Space Station is haunted!
ISS ghost
Ghost caught on camera

    That’s the shocking news coming  out of NASA after a series of strange things started happening on the orbiting laboratory.
    And a stunning photo in which the bug-eyed face of a frightening apparition appears outside an ISS porthole seems to confirm the improbable to be true.

    Officials believe a mischievous ghost -- which is said to resemble the late comedian Rodney Dangerfield -- stowed away aboard the Russian Soyuz flight to the ISS last month and has been wreaking havoc ever since.

    “A lot of inexplicable things have been happening since Soyuz docked with the ISS on Oct. 2,” reveals a space agency insider. “Within minutes of the hook-up, gyroscopes that help maintain equilibrium went haywire causing the ISS to do two loop-de-loops before stabilizing.

    The astronauts also reported hearing eerie peals of laughter, with a few one-liners about respect thrown in.
Guy Laliberte
Guy Laliberte

    “At first we thought it was that Cirque du Soleil clown, so we shoved his stupid red nose down his throat,” says
says station resident Frank De Winne, referring to billionaire space tourist Guy Laliberte.
    “But even after Guy left weird stuff kept happening.”

    Things that were anchored down were found drifting around the station, including a pair of fur-lined handcuffs that none of the astronauts claimed.
    Experiments also went askew. In one, stem cells grew into tree branches instead of spinal tissue. And the newly installed Colbert Treadmill and zero-gravity toilet both started running backwards.

“The treadmill was no big thing since, like treadmills in homes on Earth, no one really uses it,” says De Winne, an astronaut from Belgium. “But the toilet was a mess, really bad since the crew’s last meal had been rehydrated bean burritos.”
    NASA officials are now discussing ways to get rid of the pesky apparition.

    “It’s difficult because we have no contingency plans for ghost extractions,” says the NASA insider. “I mean, who’re ya gonna call?”

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Octomom trolling for more kids
By Donnie Dingleberry
Reality TV correspondent
Octomom and babies
Nadya and babies cashing in
LA HABRA – CALIF. -- Octomom Nadya Suleman’s desperate drive to get custody of Jon and Kate Gosselin’s eight children has taken a dramatic turn – she’s made a shameless play for Jon!
    This may come as a surprise to many people, but it shouldn't shock Cosmic Chronicle readers.
    In our Sept. 15 issue, we broke the news about how Suleman had her sights set  on Jon and Kate's kids.
    Back then, she had petitioned a court to gain custody by claiming that the estranged reality stars weren’t taking full advantage of their children’s economic potential.
    But now the plucky Octomom has apparently decided to take a more direct approach,.
    “When Nadya found out how much the lawyers would cost for the custody battle she figured she could save herself a fortune by using her feminine wiles – or at least by dangling a potential cash cow in front of Jon’s nose,” explains reality TV consultant Peter Shlong.
    Suleman, the mom of 14, including her famed 11-month-old octuplets, made her play for Jon through her standard mode of communication tool, the tabloid press.
    “I think Jon is really hot,” the 33-year-old brunette mused one day, knowing full well her words would make eye-popping headlines in supermarket checkout stands from Palm Beach to Poughkeepsie.
Jon Gosselin
Nadya's target : Jon
    Now, TV industry experts from the Burbank Sanitation Authority reveal that Nadya and Jon, 42, are already in talks about a new reality show called Jon Minus Kate Plus 8 Plus Nadya Plus 14 Equals 24, We Think.
    “The truth is it’s a match made in TV reality heaven,” says Shlong. “I predict their new show will be a smash hit in the prize demographic group of 18- to 38-year-olds with IQs of 93 or less.”
    But there is one big problem looming - Nadya’s current beau Dr. Otto Octavius.
    As the Cosmic Chronicle reported in its May 15 issue, Nadya and Octavius -- best known as one of Spider-Man’s most diabolical arch-enemies -- have been dating since meeting on the set of the Today show last spring. And the multi-limbed madman isn’t taking the breakup well.
Splitting: Doc Ock and Nadya are history
    “He already destroyed most of Detroit in a fit of rage, but with the economy being what it is there, no one really noticed,” says Nadya. “To tell the truth, I was about to dump him anyway. He’s a good protector but he starting to leave too many claw marks on the kids.”

Editor's Note:
Gary Greenberg, Editor-in=chief
I hope you enjoy reading the Cosmic Chronicle as much as my staff of the finest news correspondents in the universe and I enjoy bringing it to you. Our reward is giving you a laugh or two in these trying times, but if you would like to contribute something more marketable -- like money, gold or Federation credits -- to help support this invaluable source of information you'll find nowhere else, we'd gladly accept it. Donations, which are tax-deductible on several planets (check your own world's tax policies for eligibility), can be made through PayPal or by check. For PayPal donations, click here and remit to:
Checks or money orders can be made out to SuperWriter, Inc. and mailed to: SuperWriter, Inc., 398 Pine Circle, Boca Raton, FL 33432, USA, Planet Earth.
Thanks for your support,
Gary Greenberg

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Gary Tonge
Our featured artist, Gary Tonge
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