|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 2, Issue 22 -- 11.15.2009|
Guards against other vaccines
‘Super’ vaccine wins FDA approvalBy
“Now, we have a ‘super’ vaccine that prevents those side effects, and we recommend it to anyone who has ever gotten a vaccine in the past or expects to get one in the future, or even in their next life.”
And in “several” studies, it has proven to be “sensationally” effective in protecting people against all inoculation side effects as well as reducing the incidence of genital warts, male pattern baldness, halitosis and dandruff, according to the team of creative writers who penned the report.
“This is an historic day in the annals of pharmacology,” proclaims the conglomerate’s director of public relations and disinformation, P.J. Goebbels III. “By tapping into the superfluous fears of the consumer we are not only creating a ‘must-have’ new product but will also be boosting sales of previous and future products because people will no longer be afraid of them.
“It’s a watershed moment in pharmaceutical marketing.”
Specific details about how the vaccine actually works against such a wide variety of ailments caused by a myriad of vaccines are a closely guarded industry secret.
“If we told you that, next thing you know the Chinese would be selling it at one-third our price,” warns Goebbels, great-grandson of the infamous Nazi propaganda chief.
But one pharmaceutical expert is skeptical, saying the key to the entire marketing campaign is making sure the new vaccine has absolutely no side effects itself.
“And the only way to ensure that would be make the new vaccine 100 percent out of some innocuous fluid, like saline solution,” explains former pharmaceutical researcher Marvin Stool, who has been living in hiding since blowing the whistle on a swine flu conspiracy.
“So it really wouldn’t do anything chemically, but the placebo effect guarantees a 20 to30 percent effective rate, which is good enough for government work.”
Indeed, the FDA okayed the vaccine after being assured by GSKMS&R CEO Norman P. Shylock that it was both “very’ very” safe and “very, very” effective.
Vaccinox also received ringing endorsement from the medical community after GSKMS&R offered practitioners a $50 “patriotic physician” incentive for each of the $150 shots given.
“Now, no one will have any silly excuse not to get vaccinated against everything,” declares NBC Today show medical correspondent Dr. Nancy Snyderman, who was recently named Woman of the Year by Pharmaceutical Times magazine.
“And I’m sure it’s safe and effective,” she adds. “It says so right on the label – there’s even a money back guarantee!”
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Ghostbusters head to space stationBy Jim McNutt
NASA Bureau Chief
The intrepid trio – Drs. Peter Venkman, Raymond Stantz and Egon Spengler -- were late additions to the crew for the Nov. 16 flight of the shuttle Atlantis.
“We’re really desperate at this point,” admits a highly-placed NASA insider. “And to be truthful, who else are ya gonna call?”
As the Cosmic Chronicle reported in its Nov.1 issue, the space station is haunted by a mischievous ghost that resembles the late comedian Rodney Dangerfield.
Pranks such as reversing the flow of the zero-gravity toilet and filling air tanks with laughing gas have continued. And on Nov. 11, astronauts finally admitted that the water recovery system -- which was designed to transform bodily waste fluids into potable water – was pumping out beer again.
“We had the same problem when we first installed the WRS, and the astronauts didn't report it for several weeks,” reveals the NASA insider. “This time, they didn't report it at all.”
The tipoff came when the astronauts requested that the crackerjack NASA engineers use their legendary ingenuity to devise a zero-gravity beer pong game.
“Under pointed questioning, the astronauts finally confessed that the WRS was indeed producing beer again, but they insisted it was good for space station morale,” explains the insider.
Apparently, Belgian astronaut Frank De Winne was making a full-bodied abbey ale, Japanese astronaut Koichi Wakata churned out
“It got to be a real pissing contest,” says the insider. “Then the Russian Maxim Suraev started making vodka and all hell broke loose!”
“After I had some of that Russian’s WRS stuff, my urine sample came back with an olive in it.,” the spook cracked.
Now, the Ghostbusters vow to put an end to this spirit’s reign of beer and vodka-spawned terror. And the heroic ghost exterminators warn that failure would be catastrophic.
“We’re talking a space station disaster of Biblical proportions,” says Dr. Venkman, star of the blockbuster 1984 documentary Ghostbusters. “Human sacrifice, Martians and Venusians living together – mass hysteria!”
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