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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 2, Issue 22 -- 11.15.2009
Guards against other vaccines
‘Super’ vaccine wins FDA approval
By Mysti Lane
Pharmaceutical correspondent

, D.C.
– The Federal Drug Agency has approved a new “super” vaccine that protects people against the potentially deadly side effects of other vaccines!
Anita Glaxo-Smith
    “Despite overwhelming scientific evidence that vaccines are both safe and effective, except in rare instances where they may cause minor discomfort from ailments like autism, multiple sclerosis and Guillian-Barre syndrome, a growing number of Americans have become wary of them,” says Anita Glaxo-Smith, acting director of the FDA
    “Now, we have a ‘super’ vaccine that prevents those side effects, and we recommend it to anyone who has ever gotten a vaccine in the past or expects to get one in the future, or even in their next life.”
Super vaccine Vaccinox
New 'super' vaccine
    The drug, called Vaccinox, was developed by the giant pharmaceutical conglomerate GlaxoSmithKline-
    And in “several” studies, it has proven to be “sensationally” effective in protecting people against all inoculation side effects as well as reducing the incidence of genital warts, male pattern baldness, halitosis and dandruff, according to the team of creative writers who penned the report.
    “This is an historic day in the annals of pharmacology,” proclaims the conglomerate’s director of public relations and disinformation, P.J. Goebbels III. “By tapping into the superfluous fears of the consumer we are not only creating a ‘must-have’ new product but will also be boosting sales of previous and future products because people will no longer be afraid of them.
    “It’s a watershed moment in pharmaceutical marketing.”
    Specific details about how the vaccine actually works against such a wide variety of ailments caused by a myriad of vaccines are a closely guarded industry secret.
    “If we told you that, next thing you know the Chinese would be selling it at one-third our price,” warns Goebbels, great-grandson of the infamous Nazi propaganda chief. 
Marvin Stool
Marvin Stool

    But one pharmaceutical expert is skeptical, saying the key to the entire marketing campaign is making sure the new vaccine has absolutely no side effects itself.
    “And the only way to ensure that would be make the new vaccine 100 percent out of some innocuous fluid, like saline solution,” explains former pharmaceutical researcher Marvin Stool, who has been living in hiding since blowing the whistle on a swine flu conspiracy.
    “So it really wouldn’t do anything chemically, but the placebo effect guarantees a 20 to30 percent effective rate, which is good enough for government work.”
    Indeed, the FDA okayed the vaccine after being assured by GSKMS&R CEO Norman P. Shylock that it was both “very’ very” safe and “very, very” effective.
    The U.S. government has already ordered 200 million doses under the stipulation that the pharmaceutical companies back off their opposition to the
Nancy Snyderman
token health care reform legislation that should be ready for President Obama’s signature by the end of his second term in 2016.
    Vaccinox also received ringing endorsement from the medical community after GSKMS&R offered practitioners a $50 “patriotic physician” incentive for each of the $150 shots given.
    “Now, no one will have any silly excuse not to get vaccinated against everything,” declares NBC Today show medical correspondent Dr. Nancy Snyderman, who was recently named Woman of the Year by Pharmaceutical Times magazine.
    “And I’m sure it’s safe and effective,” she adds. “It says so right on the label – there’s even a money back guarantee!”
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NASA news update
Ghostbusters head to space station
By Jim McNutt
NASA Bureau Chief

Space shuttle Atlantis
Space shuttle Atlantis
CAPE CANAVERAL, FLA. -- The famed Ghostbusters are blasting off to the International Space Station to rid it of a pesky spook!
    The intrepid trio – Drs. Peter Venkman, Raymond Stantz and Egon Spengler -- were late additions to the crew for the Nov. 16 flight of the shuttle Atlantis.

    “We’re really desperate at this point,” admits a highly-placed NASA insider. “And to be truthful, who else are ya gonna call?”

    As the Cosmic Chronicle reported in its Nov.1 issue, the space station is haunted by a mischievous ghost that resembles the late comedian Rodney Dangerfield.

    Pranks such as reversing the flow of the zero-gravity toilet and filling air tanks with laughing gas have continued. And on Nov. 11, astronauts finally admitted that the water recovery system -- which was designed to transform bodily waste fluids into potable water – was pumping out beer again.
Zero gravity toilet
Ghost hanging around ISS toilet

    “We had the same problem when we first installed the WRS, and the astronauts didn't report it for several weeks,” reveals the NASA insider. 
This time, they didn't report it at all.
    The tipoff came when the astronauts requested that the crackerjack NASA engineers use their legendary ingenuity to devise a zero-gravity beer pong game.

    “Under pointed questioning, the astronauts finally confessed that the WRS was indeed producing beer again, but they insisted it was good for space station morale,” explains the insider.

    Apparently, Belgian astronaut Frank De Winne was making a full-bodied abbey ale, Japanese astronaut Koichi Wakata churned out a Sapporo-like brew and American Jeffrey Williams’ reconstituted urine tasted just like Budweiser.

    “It got to be a real pissing contest,” says the insider. “Then the Russian Maxim Suraev started making vodka and all hell broke loose!”

Dr. Peter Venkman
All the while, the ghostly apparation haunted the station with its chilling laugh and stupid one-liners.
    “After I had some of that Russian’s WRS stuff, my urine sample came back with an olive in it.,” the spook cracked.

    Now, the Ghostbusters vow to put an end to this spirit’s reign of beer and vodka-spawned terror. And the heroic ghost exterminators warn that failure would be catastrophic.

“We’re talking a space station disaster of Biblical proportions,” says Dr.  Venkman, star of the blockbuster 1984 documentary Ghostbusters. “Human sacrifice, Martians and Venusians living together – mass hysteria!”

Editor's Note:
Gary Greenberg, Editor-in=chief
I hope you enjoy reading the Cosmic Chronicle as much as my staff of the finest news correspondents in the universe and I enjoy bringing it to you. Our reward is giving you a laugh or two in these trying times, but if you would like to contribute something more marketable -- like money, gold or Federation credits -- to help support this invaluable source of information you'll find nowhere else, we'd gladly accept it. Donations, which are tax-deductible on several planets (check your own world's tax policies for eligibility), can be made through PayPal or by check. For PayPal donations, click here and remit to:
Checks or money orders can be made out to SuperWriter, Inc. and mailed to: SuperWriter, Inc., 398 Pine Circle, Boca Raton, FL 33432, USA, Planet Earth.
Thanks for your support,
Gary Greenberg

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