|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 2, Issue 11 -- 06.01.2009|
Preakness winner Rachel A. is no fillyBy Jacques Strapp
Rachel Alexandra's handlers insist she needs more rest between the second and third legs of the Triple Crown, but track insiders tell the Cosmic Chronicle the fleet-footed 3-year-old is just trying to hide the fact that she's no lady horse!
“Rachel’s birth name is Richard Alexander,” reveals noted thorough- bred historian Andy Capper, who blew the lid off the scandal. “So all this talk about a filly outrunning the colts is a bunch of horse manure!”
Neil Canter, the brown beauty's groom, confirms that Rachel was born a male.
“But he wasn’t like all the other colts growing up,” says Canter. “He was more into being curried and brushed and having his mane braided than running with the pack.”
Richard Alexander also showed no inkling that he had any speed at all.
“It was hard to get him to even break into a trot,” recalls Canter. “He was always so worried about mussing up his mane or chipping a hoof.”
Famed equine psychologist Dr. Sigmund Sphincter finally diagnosed the problem.
“Richard Alexander was clearly a filly trapped in a colt’s body,” explains Sphincter. “And he certainly wasn’t going to run like the wind carrying a weight like that around.”
“The truth is, I knew that simply castrating him wouldn’t be enough,” says Sphincter. “He needed to become a she.”
At that point, Richard Alexander changed his name to Rachel Alexandra and began hormone therapy.
The revolutionary surgery was then performed at
“As soon as she recovered from the operation, she was outrunning all the colts,” notes Canter. “She just loves having the boys chase after her!”
Nets 8 GPA awards
Chronicle named best newcomer in galaxy
The Chronicle also took home seven individual honors.
“This has to be the most extraordinary debut in GPA history,” exclaims galactic media analyst Perry White III, grandson of the legendary Daily Planet editor. “In one year the Cosmic Chronicle has proven itself capable of taking on the big boys in the interstellar news game -- and winning!”
The Chronicle’s total of eight awards was surpassed only by the prestigious grand dame of Milky Way newspapers, the Sirius Star- Sentinel. The Star-Sentinel, which has been in business for 102,356 years, garnered 11 awards.
The Chronicle’s crack intragalactic correspondent, Ace Sweeney, took top honors in the investigative journalism category for exposing a sinister alien plot to destroy Earth by cloning then president George W. Bush in our debut issue, June 1, 2008.
National correspondent Jim McNutt took first place in the local news category with his Aug.15 story detailing how anti-immigration crusader, Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio, was vaporized while trying to bust illegal aliens -- from outer space.
Crime correspondent Jack T. Ripper won second place in the crime category for his Jan.15 expose of an evil Saudi national who kidnapped fashion models to harvest their ova, then sold the beauties’ eggs to rich Arabs with ugly wives.
Another second place was won by the Chronicle’s intrepid sports reporter Jacques Strapp, who recounted the tragic outcome of the Rocky vs. Predator bout in our July 15 issue.
The Chronicle also notched two honorable mentions, one for religion correspondent Peter Paul Matthews’ March 15 story about experts declaring Octomom Nadya Sulemen to be the new Madonna and the other for lifestyle correspondent Seymour Weiner’s May 1 feature on the new Internet dating service for aliens, aHarmony.
“I’m over the moon,” exclaims the Chronicle’s editor-in-chief Gary Greenberg. “I couldn’t be prouder -- even if I’d won all of those awards myself!”
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